Perpetual Unbalance

Okay, so last Saturday we went downtown to the Main Street Art Festival. Wow, it was really cool. We saw amazing paintings, glass work, photographs, sculptures, and other things I'm not sure how to qualify. My favorite was Bodyscapes. They are photographs, much like landscapes, but using the human body instead. Some of these are amazing! I definitely plan to own a few. Problem is deciding which ones I like most! Go check it out and let me know what you think.

Ok, so now I can't get that song out of my head. Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys about a forum, open to women only, that I've joined. This is the first forum that I've ever even been to but I think I'm getting the hang of things. It's very interesting and we are certainly a diverse group of women from all over the world. So come check it!

So I went out to the local country bar with BFF, her husband, and BFF's friend from work (we'll call her R) Friday night. I'm not a big country music fan but BFF and her husband are, plus I do enjoy two stepping and BFF's husband is the best! R decided to take on the mechanical bull. She was so cute up there, trying to figure out how to hold on to the damn thing. She stayed on for quite awhile, I was impressed. But inevitably she fell off. We laughed and high five'd and returned to our table. I went out to dance and when I came back BFF was white as a sheet and told me R cut her knee when she fell off. Poor BFF, she has a very weak stomach, just hearing about it was making her sick. BFF sent R and C off to the bathroom to get a better look. As they passed me R leaned in and whispered "They think I'm really hurt but it's just a rug burn". A rug burn that landed her in the emergency room getting staples, pain killers, and a splint to immobolize her leg. We had fun cuttin up in the waiting room, bless her heart she was a really good sport. BFF sent her hubby and C back with R because there is no way BFF could handle that scene. So R is in some pain now but says that the bull will not win, she is getting back on him. We will be there to support her in her mission to conquer the bull. You go girl!

10 months, it's just 10 months.

Today C starts school. Her schedule be 6:00 am to 3:00 pm work, 6:00 pm to 11:00 pm school. The next 10 months are going to be hell. The only time I will even see her is Saturday evening and Sunday. Plus I get the supreme pleasure of waking her up each morning. Trust me that is NO easy task. Wish me luck!

At some point there has to some end in sight. Right? I had a 3 day weekend so things should have been good. Right? Where did it all go wrong?

Friday - I had to get up early to take C to work and figured I might as well get some things done. I got my oil changed, a little overdue. Then went to get my tire replaced. I've been riding on a donut for about a week now. Turns out my other back tire was just has bad. So, I replaced them both. Spent way more than I had imagined. But then again, what do I know about this shit. NOTHING! Of course as soon as I have it done my BFF and my sister tell me, you should've gone here or you should've gone there, where it would have been much cheaper. DAMN! Where the hell were you two all week. Obviously no one felt the need to hand out their advice BEFORE I got the tires replaced. Just my luck!

Saturday - This day started out just as early. My phone rings at 4:45 am. Who is it? Why my sister of course. Why is she calling so early in the morning? She's in jail. Now you know this was hard for me to believe. I mean my sister never gets in any trouble. Ha! Great. Not only do I not have the money to bail her out, I don't want to. I'm tired of forking over money to help her out of the situations she gets herself into. Then I feel guilty because she would do it for me. But she's never had to. I've been bailing her out of some kind of trouble all her life. I do it because she really is a good person and I'm an eternal optimist, always believing she will get her life straight. Her problem is every time she gets through one obstacle she relaxes instead of going out there and tackling the next thing to start to pull herself out of the pit. So this poses a whole new set of problems. She took the girls to school each morning. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out how I'm going to manage that. Just my luck!

Sunday - We had a pretty good Easter considering the circumstances. I tried not to stress out about this new development and enjoy the day. My kids were so excited about the Easter bunny coming I think they were up before the crack of dawn. We went to my GF's sister's to visit and then cooked hamburgers on the grill. The ex picked the kids up at 4:30 for his week and I got to spend evening just relaxing. We watched Derailed on DVD and headed to bed.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Do you ever get that feeling where you just want to sit down and cry “I just wanna go home”? Like you’re away at some awful summer camp, counting down the days until you can return to the safety and security of home. Only, you are home. The very place you want to flee is supposed to be the safe haven you naturally seek. Sometimes I feel like I simply can not go on like this anymore, as if I will literally burst at the seams if I have to carry on one more day, one more moment. Then I think of all the things that would fall to ruin if I weren’t here to keep the juggling act going and the fear that it would only be worse when I returned. To have to clean up the mess my absence has caused. I can’t even enjoy the very people with the power to make me feel better. There’s never enough time without distraction. My life has become a yo-yo, or maybe rollercoaster is a better description, barely recovering from the hard climb before free falling back down, only to have to climb once again. It’s become this cycle of ups and downs that seem unbearable at times. But that’s life right? I mean that is what life is about… the good and the bad, the easy and the tuff, the giggles and the tears, the fun and the work. Without the bad how could wbe enjoy the good, really appreciate it? So for now, I’m just looking forward to the time when the good, easy, giggling fun outweighs the bad, tuff, tearful, work.

A situation happened last night that made me feel very under-qualified as a parent. Here is the conversation that ensued involving my 5 year old son TurtleBug, my sister Beanie Lou Lou, and the ex.

BLL - Your son is yelling for you, something is wrong with his (insert name for boy's private area).

Me - (I go into the bathroom where he is taking a shower) What's wrong TB?

TB - (standing there soaking wet, holding himself) My (insert name for boy's private area) hurts.

Me - Um, ok. Let me see if it is red.

TB - I can't, it hurts.

Me - (After a few rounds of this I leave the bathroom and head to my bedroom)

BLL - What are you going to do?

Me - Uh, I don't know about boy parts! I'm calling his dad. Duh! (as I grab my cell phone)

I mean what was I supposed to do. I was at a total lost! I really had no idea what to do. I mean what the hell kind of problems do boys have? I'm clueless. Um... suddenly dealing with a PMSing, hormonal, almost 13 year old raving lunatic (at times, well it does seem that way) isn't so bad. At least I was there at one time.

I think I took that step yesterday Zoe.

My sister accused me of trying to make everyone else happy. I think she was right. Maybe I was allowing myself to be disrespected because I felt like it was my penance (is that the right word?) But I stood and had a talk with all 3 of them.

My daughter - I told her flat out that I would no longer accept her disrespect of me or anyone else in our home. I laid down the consequences for such behavior. I told her that if she had problems or issues I am more than willing to discuss them with her, but she will have to do it in a respectful manner. We went on to have a very good, respectful conversation. One down, two to go.

My ex - I told him what I discussed with our daughter and then I told him that it went for him too. I would no longer accept him disrespecting me either. I told him that he shouldn't say anything to me that he wouldn't let his children hear him say. If he could not conduct himself in a respectful manner, I would shut off our communication. We would have to parent the children on our own without the support of each other. Two down, one to go.

My girl - I told her about the two previous conversations and then told her that I needed her to be more of a support to me. That I need her to stand beside me not behind me.

I know that none of this solves anything but perhaps I am on the road to a more "balanced" life. Yeah right!

I was reading a blog that I frequent when I came across a reference to a very important post which pointed to a very interesting site. (is that confusing?) Anyway, thank you Syd for posting this link. Had you not, I probably never would have seen it (and I never would have found the very witty New York Ex, I'll definitely be going back there!)

Go check it out!

Sometimes I feel like my life has entered an alternate universe. I got in another fight with my daughter last night. My sisters daughter is 3 years younger and my daughter can be so mean to her. Of course if I hold my daughter accountable for her actions and words then I am taking my niece's side. Then I hear "Everyone loves the niece more, everyone takes the niece's side" She thinks everyone hates her. I tried to explain that it's not that everyone hates her and asked her to look at the possibility that perhaps it's because she is carrying so much anger around and lashing out at everyone.

I know she is going through so much. But I really can't stand to hear her tell me how much she hates me or how I've ruined her life by leaving her dad or how her dad doesn't deserve me, that I'm not good enough for him. She has created this memory of what our relationship was like, as if it were perfect and has left out all the fighting and arguing her father and I did. My sister reminded her the other day of conversations they had in which my daughter would cry and ask my sister "Why does my mom stay with my dad, he's so mean."

I've made mistakes. A lot of them. Some of those in the last year. Some pertaining to everything that is bothering her right now. I can't change that. I'm taking responsibility for my mistakes, my choices, I don't hide from it. I stand up and face it. I'm doing the best I can. She has a right to be upset, I certainly don't blame her. She's had to deal with some fucked up shit. But what I'm trying to get her to understand is that it IS what it is. I'm not going to leave my relationship because she doesn't like it. I want to be an example to her that you go after what is right for yourself even if it's not conventional or it's not main stream. Then I have to listen to her father tell me that I'm being selfish and I'm not putting my children first. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

He can not stand the relationship I'm in. I understand that. I don't expect him to ever accept it or condone it. I just ask him to not put his feelings onto our kids. My daughter is so afraid that if she starts accepting my home the way it is, or has fun with us, then she is betraying her father. I want him to give her the freedom to make her own choices. The 3 of us sat down to discuss all this and I found out that he asks her things that make her uncomfortable or makes comments that makes her uncomfortable. Like asking where I'm at and if C is with me. He asks her who shoes she has on, or whose clothes she has on and if they're C's he gets mad. He said it feels like a betrayal to him. I was like "Over some shoes?" I tried to explain to him that there are 4 women (my daughter, my sister, my girlfriend, and myself) that all wear each others clothes, it's really not that uncommon and that if she is wearing C's shoes it certainly isn't meant to be a betrayal to him. In the end he agreed to try to stop taking things so personal and to work on allowing our daughter to make up her own mind.

The screaming match ended with my sister interfering. She couldn't stand it any longer. While she tried explaining to my daughter that she is "killing" me, I called her dad to come over. (Nobody seems to realize that I'm desperate if I'm calling him to help me deal with her on this issue. It just opens me up to have to deal with him being judge and jury over my life) After the phone call I was sent to my room (by my sister). C was there for me to hold me in her arms and tell me how sorry she was that my daughter was hurting me. After a few minutes my daughter came out to talk to me. While I was talking to her my sister had to go take care of something for a friend and she says "Do you mind if C goes with me". So C left me, couldn't even be there to help me pick up the pieces that the ex and the daughter have left me in. I was so hurt. I wanted her to have told my sister "No, I can't go. Unbalanced needs me." So I went to bed. Alone. Devastated.

Then I wake up at 2:17 this morning and she's not there. It scared me. I got up, looked outside, both cars were there. So I go up to my sisters room and there they are. Hanging out. While my world is being turned upside down, she's chillin', hanging out. I told her that I did not feel important to her at all. She said she's going to make it up to me. How can you make something like that up to someone. I needed her last night. Her being there tonight is not going to help the despair I felt last night. I just laid in bed and cried for over an hour. I felt like I have been on the front lines of a war. Fighting “our” battle. And she totally abandoned me. I was looking back over the arguments with the ex and my daughter and then looking at how she just left me, asking myself “Is this what I’m fighting for?”

So many times over the last few weeks I have felt like it would just be so much easier if I ended it or let her end it. I mean I’m the one out there fighting the fight. I have felt so disconnected to her that I struggle with the question “Is it worth it? But what about my happiness? What about what I want? Do I fucking count for anything???

Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough and just brought all those emotions back to the surface.

Disclaimer: There's a lot I'm not putting into this post about my situation. When and if I reveal some of the harder things to grasp in this situation, I want to be able to tell the story behind it. I don’t know maybe that will make it better somehow.

I had a great weekend. Friday night was my girlfriend's last night to work overnight, now she's on the day shift! That in itself is great news.

Work Friday was an easy day. I only work 5 hours on Fridays and spent 4 of those in a First Aid/CPR class. Not a bad way to spend a work day, definitely could come in handy one day. Friday night I had plans to go out with a new friend, 'Cole. She's from TN, just moved here about 6 months ago to take a job. Her girlfriend and 3 other friends came to visit for the weekend and we hit the town. Her friends were a trip! I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. We went to some new places I hadn't been too. Didn't get home 'til 4:30 in the morning. Shit I'm gettin too old for that.

Saturday we ran around all day, grocery shopping, taking kids here and there, just running errands. We planned to spend a quiet night at home, watching a movie. We had just settled down when 'Cole called, she needed us to bring something over to her. They were getting ready to go out and talked us into going. Oh man these girls were cracking us up! So we rushed home to get ready and headed back downtown. Had another great time and possibly drank too much. Got home about 4:00.

Sunday my sister woke us up around noon; time to get started on my niece's birthday party. I picked up my kids; my girlfriend and all the kids headed out to the lake and my sister and I headed to the store. We cooked out, drank beer, played volleyball, and I stayed away from the water. It was a beautiful day but no way was going anywhere near the cold water. We came home and went to bed early. All in all, it was an awesome weekend!

21 Firsts...

1. Who was your first prom date? My best friend and I went stag together
2. Who was your first roommate(s)? The same best friend I went to prom with
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Screwdrivers... and playing quarters is not a very wise thing to do the very first time you experiment. I didn't think I was feeling the effects at all until I stood up and promptly passed out.
4. What was your first job? Babysitting.
5. What was your first car? 1996 Berretta
6. When did you go to your first funeral? A few years ago, the husband of a co-worker passed away and we went. I've been lucky to not have lost anyone close to me and I hope I don't, at least for a very long time.
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I've not moved away as an adult. We moved a lot when I was a kid, but I always wanted to come back here.
8. Who was your first grade teacher? I don't remember. I went to sooo many different schools, they became a blur.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? When I was 15, I flew to Missouri to see my mom. It was like 6 o'clock in the morning when my flight left and I was alone and so scared. I had an aisle seat and when the plane started to taxi I moved to the window. One guy who was sitting in front of me turned around and told me I was not allowed to switch seats, it would throw off the balance of the plane. I was so nervous that I believed him and started to move. I think the look on my face made him feel bad, he immediately apologized for his "bad" joke and turned around sheepishly. I went back to the window seat, I didn't want to miss a thing.
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I don't even remember the first time, I snuck out a lot. I remember one time, I was living with one of my best friend during high school. She had just had a baby a few months before and wasn't able to just sneak out anymore. So one night when I snuck out she told her mom. Her mom was waiting for me when I snuck back in.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? My first best friend was Tisha, we met in junior high and shortly after that I moved in with her. I lived with them for 3 years, until I got pregnant with my daughter. Sometime after that we started drifting apart, going down different roads in our lives. I still kept in touch with her mother, boy did I love her. She was the greatest. We ended up losing touch about 8 years ago, but reconnected last September. I went to visit them, I got to see Tisha, but really my connection is with her mom. During the summer that I got pregnant with my oldest I met my second best friend. We are still very close and see each other at least a few times a week.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? I lived in a group home for children.
13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? my best friend
14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? I was a junior bride's maid in my "big sister's" wedding.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Hit the snooze button.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to? NKOTB baby! (New Kids On The Block).
17. First tattoo or piercing? I don't remember how old I was when I got my ears pierced. I was 24 when I got my tongue pierced and I got my first tattoo on the day of my 18th birthday.
18. First celebrity crush? Joey from NKOTB.
19. Age of first kiss? I don't remember my first kiss.
20. First crush? Don't remember that either. (Boy either my memory is getting really bad or I've blocked a lot of things, lol)
21. First time you did drugs? Again I don't remember. (hmmm, maybe that's what happened to my memory)

Okay blog friends, tag yourselves. Let me know if you do it!

Oh my! I really don't like that song. I don't know why it is in my head.

Anyway, I have been so emotional lately and I'm getting headaches everyday. My girlfriend thinks it's stress related and she's probably right. There just never seems to be enough time or money. I'm struggling a lot with my oldest daughter. Most teenagers tell their parents that they hate them at one point or another. I know that. I just kind of brushed it off the first time or two, I know she says it out of anger. But when she stands in your face and calmly and defiantly tells you that she hates you and because of you she hates all gay people, that's tuff. She's usually so open-minded, yet she doesn't just hate me, but hates what I am.

We used to have such a close relationship and I want that back. So I thought maybe it's time I get her into some counseling, to help her learn how to deal with all the troubles in her life right now. So I called and made her an appointment. Now I'm worried I might have made a rash decision. Not about putting her in counseling, but in choosing who to take her too. I'm not sure why I feel like that. My daughter and I both went in together and gave some background info, then they talked alone. Sitting in the waiting room I started questioning myself. What do I really know about this person? What is her approach to her patients? What are her beliefs and how do they play into her work? OMG my head was reeling. I still don't know if I made the right decision, but I am going to speak with her privately and ask these questions. Why I didn't before, I have no idea.

Well, I'm back. The trip was fine. We overestimated how long it was going to take us to get there so we ended up with about 2 1/2 hours of time to kill. We stopped on the way and visited a few tourist attractions. It was fun, my sister and I don't get to spend a lot of time together so it was nice.

My sister was so worried that she was going back to jail, but those fears proved to be unwarranted. Turns out this was kind of an interview process. The probation officer has to write a report to the judge giving the departments recommendation of whether they think she should be on probation. Hopefully he feels she is a worthy.

Twelve hours later we returned home. Exhausted, but glad to be home.

I'm off on a road trip tomorrow, unfortunately not for fun though. I get to drive my sister 5 hours away to her probation office. She hasn't even been sentenced yet, but I guess she has to go show all her paperwork. Once she gets sentenced she will be able to transfer the probation to our local county and then there will be no more trips. Yipee!

My girlfriend went back to work last night. Her boss says one more week and then she can go to days. This sucks! She only has 2 weeks until she starts school, so she will have to go to days by then. This is going to be a very trying time in our life; only seeing each other for a few minutes a day. But we will have to get thru it somehow.

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever settle down. Or is THIS the settled down pace of my life. I guess it could always be worse.

My daughter is failing 2 classes again today. Arrgghhhh!

I'm tired, I just want to go back to bed today.

My girlfriend's brother finally left Sunday around noon. I was getting really worried that she was trying to move him in here. That's all we need!

Anyway, I'm off to do some work. Blah, blah, blah...