Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Alternate universe
Sometimes I feel like my life has entered an alternate universe. I got in another fight with my daughter last night. My sisters daughter is 3 years younger and my daughter can be so mean to her. Of course if I hold my daughter accountable for her actions and words then I am taking my niece's side. Then I hear "Everyone loves the niece more, everyone takes the niece's side" She thinks everyone hates her. I tried to explain that it's not that everyone hates her and asked her to look at the possibility that perhaps it's because she is carrying so much anger around and lashing out at everyone.
I know she is going through so much. But I really can't stand to hear her tell me how much she hates me or how I've ruined her life by leaving her dad or how her dad doesn't deserve me, that I'm not good enough for him. She has created this memory of what our relationship was like, as if it were perfect and has left out all the fighting and arguing her father and I did. My sister reminded her the other day of conversations they had in which my daughter would cry and ask my sister "Why does my mom stay with my dad, he's so mean."
I've made mistakes. A lot of them. Some of those in the last year. Some pertaining to everything that is bothering her right now. I can't change that. I'm taking responsibility for my mistakes, my choices, I don't hide from it. I stand up and face it. I'm doing the best I can. She has a right to be upset, I certainly don't blame her. She's had to deal with some fucked up shit. But what I'm trying to get her to understand is that it IS what it is. I'm not going to leave my relationship because she doesn't like it. I want to be an example to her that you go after what is right for yourself even if it's not conventional or it's not main stream. Then I have to listen to her father tell me that I'm being selfish and I'm not putting my children first. Maybe he's right. I don't know.
He can not stand the relationship I'm in. I understand that. I don't expect him to ever accept it or condone it. I just ask him to not put his feelings onto our kids. My daughter is so afraid that if she starts accepting my home the way it is, or has fun with us, then she is betraying her father. I want him to give her the freedom to make her own choices. The 3 of us sat down to discuss all this and I found out that he asks her things that make her uncomfortable or makes comments that makes her uncomfortable. Like asking where I'm at and if C is with me. He asks her who shoes she has on, or whose clothes she has on and if they're C's he gets mad. He said it feels like a betrayal to him. I was like "Over some shoes?" I tried to explain to him that there are 4 women (my daughter, my sister, my girlfriend, and myself) that all wear each others clothes, it's really not that uncommon and that if she is wearing C's shoes it certainly isn't meant to be a betrayal to him. In the end he agreed to try to stop taking things so personal and to work on allowing our daughter to make up her own mind.
The screaming match ended with my sister interfering. She couldn't stand it any longer. While she tried explaining to my daughter that she is "killing" me, I called her dad to come over. (Nobody seems to realize that I'm desperate if I'm calling him to help me deal with her on this issue. It just opens me up to have to deal with him being judge and jury over my life) After the phone call I was sent to my room (by my sister). C was there for me to hold me in her arms and tell me how sorry she was that my daughter was hurting me. After a few minutes my daughter came out to talk to me. While I was talking to her my sister had to go take care of something for a friend and she says "Do you mind if C goes with me". So C left me, couldn't even be there to help me pick up the pieces that the ex and the daughter have left me in. I was so hurt. I wanted her to have told my sister "No, I can't go. Unbalanced needs me." So I went to bed. Alone. Devastated.
Then I wake up at 2:17 this morning and she's not there. It scared me. I got up, looked outside, both cars were there. So I go up to my sisters room and there they are. Hanging out. While my world is being turned upside down, she's chillin', hanging out. I told her that I did not feel important to her at all. She said she's going to make it up to me. How can you make something like that up to someone. I needed her last night. Her being there tonight is not going to help the despair I felt last night. I just laid in bed and cried for over an hour. I felt like I have been on the front lines of a war. Fighting “our” battle. And she totally abandoned me. I was looking back over the arguments with the ex and my daughter and then looking at how she just left me, asking myself “Is this what I’m fighting for?”
So many times over the last few weeks I have felt like it would just be so much easier if I ended it or let her end it. I mean I’m the one out there fighting the fight. I have felt so disconnected to her that I struggle with the question “Is it worth it? But what about my happiness? What about what I want? Do I fucking count for anything???
Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough and just brought all those emotions back to the surface.
Disclaimer: There's a lot I'm not putting into this post about my situation. When and if I reveal some of the harder things to grasp in this situation, I want to be able to tell the story behind it. I don’t know maybe that will make it better somehow.
I know she is going through so much. But I really can't stand to hear her tell me how much she hates me or how I've ruined her life by leaving her dad or how her dad doesn't deserve me, that I'm not good enough for him. She has created this memory of what our relationship was like, as if it were perfect and has left out all the fighting and arguing her father and I did. My sister reminded her the other day of conversations they had in which my daughter would cry and ask my sister "Why does my mom stay with my dad, he's so mean."
I've made mistakes. A lot of them. Some of those in the last year. Some pertaining to everything that is bothering her right now. I can't change that. I'm taking responsibility for my mistakes, my choices, I don't hide from it. I stand up and face it. I'm doing the best I can. She has a right to be upset, I certainly don't blame her. She's had to deal with some fucked up shit. But what I'm trying to get her to understand is that it IS what it is. I'm not going to leave my relationship because she doesn't like it. I want to be an example to her that you go after what is right for yourself even if it's not conventional or it's not main stream. Then I have to listen to her father tell me that I'm being selfish and I'm not putting my children first. Maybe he's right. I don't know.
He can not stand the relationship I'm in. I understand that. I don't expect him to ever accept it or condone it. I just ask him to not put his feelings onto our kids. My daughter is so afraid that if she starts accepting my home the way it is, or has fun with us, then she is betraying her father. I want him to give her the freedom to make her own choices. The 3 of us sat down to discuss all this and I found out that he asks her things that make her uncomfortable or makes comments that makes her uncomfortable. Like asking where I'm at and if C is with me. He asks her who shoes she has on, or whose clothes she has on and if they're C's he gets mad. He said it feels like a betrayal to him. I was like "Over some shoes?" I tried to explain to him that there are 4 women (my daughter, my sister, my girlfriend, and myself) that all wear each others clothes, it's really not that uncommon and that if she is wearing C's shoes it certainly isn't meant to be a betrayal to him. In the end he agreed to try to stop taking things so personal and to work on allowing our daughter to make up her own mind.
The screaming match ended with my sister interfering. She couldn't stand it any longer. While she tried explaining to my daughter that she is "killing" me, I called her dad to come over. (Nobody seems to realize that I'm desperate if I'm calling him to help me deal with her on this issue. It just opens me up to have to deal with him being judge and jury over my life) After the phone call I was sent to my room (by my sister). C was there for me to hold me in her arms and tell me how sorry she was that my daughter was hurting me. After a few minutes my daughter came out to talk to me. While I was talking to her my sister had to go take care of something for a friend and she says "Do you mind if C goes with me". So C left me, couldn't even be there to help me pick up the pieces that the ex and the daughter have left me in. I was so hurt. I wanted her to have told my sister "No, I can't go. Unbalanced needs me." So I went to bed. Alone. Devastated.
Then I wake up at 2:17 this morning and she's not there. It scared me. I got up, looked outside, both cars were there. So I go up to my sisters room and there they are. Hanging out. While my world is being turned upside down, she's chillin', hanging out. I told her that I did not feel important to her at all. She said she's going to make it up to me. How can you make something like that up to someone. I needed her last night. Her being there tonight is not going to help the despair I felt last night. I just laid in bed and cried for over an hour. I felt like I have been on the front lines of a war. Fighting “our” battle. And she totally abandoned me. I was looking back over the arguments with the ex and my daughter and then looking at how she just left me, asking myself “Is this what I’m fighting for?”
So many times over the last few weeks I have felt like it would just be so much easier if I ended it or let her end it. I mean I’m the one out there fighting the fight. I have felt so disconnected to her that I struggle with the question “Is it worth it? But what about my happiness? What about what I want? Do I fucking count for anything???
Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough and just brought all those emotions back to the surface.
Disclaimer: There's a lot I'm not putting into this post about my situation. When and if I reveal some of the harder things to grasp in this situation, I want to be able to tell the story behind it. I don’t know maybe that will make it better somehow.
posted by Unbalanced at 8:00 AM, | 
2 Comments:
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Clearly there must more going on. It seems that you need to take a step back to get some perspective. And don't think that you should have to put your life on hold. What if your ex was dating or living with someone your daughter didn't like. Would he feel that he was being selfish and that he should break up wiht her. I doubt it. I know it's not easy, but your kid has got to get over it.
Thank you Zoe. I started writing a comment and it was getting so long I thought I should just make it a post. So I am. They both seem to have such a hard time seeing outside the box, but you make a good point.