Perpetual Unbalance

She's home safe and sound. It was really nice having her home and going to sleep in her arms last night. Awww bliss. Turns out she was really homesick night before last when she text me. The accumulation of the homesickness and the stress of all that her parents are going thru right now just got a little too much for her. Anyway, I'm really glad she's back.

In other news... My best friend's family has court today. Her husband is adopting her first born from a previous relationship. The husband has been in this boys life since he was 4 months old and I don't think he could love him any more than he does. I'm so happy for them!

This is starting out to be a great day all around. Let's hope it stays that way.

I'm worried about my girlfriend. About 3 o'clock this morning she text me these messages:

3:13 am I wish I had never come here

3:18 am All I know is when I got here I was fine and just 4 days I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I just want it all to end.

She went home to visit her parents. There is a lot of stuff going on there, I'll try to sum it up. She has a brother that is 5 years older than her and he has a 7 or 8 year old son, they live at home. The parental rights of the son's mother have been taken away and now the parental rights of the son's father (my girlfriend's brother) are in jeopardy. Child Protective Services have been involved for almost a year now. The brother has failed repeated hair follicle drug tests and eventually was sent to rehab. He's been out of rehab for a couple of weeks but the dad suspected that he was using again. The dad ended up going to stay with his brother for a few days. The mom receives a call at work from CPS telling her that the brother needs to report immediately (the dad had called and reported his suspicions). The mom told the dad that he had until Wednesday to get his stuff out. If the brother fails, not only will his paternal rights be taken away but he will not be able to be around the son. The results came in Monday and somehow he passed the hair follicle test but failed the UA. I'm not sure how that happens, or what it means. Last night I talked to C and she had spent some time with her dad and he ended up coming home with her. A good sign, I thought. Then I wake up this morning and get those text messages. I don't know what the hell has happened. Of course C is asleep and nothing wakes that girl, so I have to wait for her to call me. I'm so worried about her. Her family is so important to her, especially her mom. I know she's been worried about her being without her dad and having to raise her grandson. So I sit here, as patiently as I can, and wait.

I have been sick from the time I got off work on Friday. I hate being sick. My girlfriend left to go out of town Saturday morning so I didn't even have anyone to take care of me. Poor me. I know I'm such a baby when I'm sick and this weekend was no exception. I didn't even want to get out of bed. Unfortunately there was no one else to run the kids and my mom around to their various things so that left poor, sick me. Uggghhhhh! I hope I get better soon. (I'm sure my family does too)

I was supposed to go out Friday night with my best friend, but I ended up canceling because I just was not in a partying mood. I had plans to go out Saturday night too since I didn't have the girls this weekend. No go. When I wasn't playing taxi I kept my ass in the bed. Of course that just gave me LOTS and LOTS of time to think of C and how much I miss her. Hmmm... she will be home in a few days, then all will be good.

Growing up everyone thought I would be the one to go wild. Maybe I would have had there not been an intervention. It was my 8th grade year. We lived in a large apartment complex and over time my mom had made a really good friend in her neighbor. I also made a really good friendship with a girl my age who lived in the same complex. That summer my mom decided we would move. She did this a lot, whenever things were not going well we ended up moving. This time it would be to my grandmother's (my mom's foster mother) in Illinois.

So my mom sold everything we owned that we couldn't fit in the car and off we went. I hated it. Living with my grandmother was not fun. My sister and I were BORED. There were no kids that lived on her street. We were not allowed to play our Nintendo because my grandmother did not use electricity until 6:00 at which time only one TV was allowed to be on and she had control of it. My mom was gone all day working and it being summer we were left home.

My sister's father also lives in this area so we started going to his place during the day. We could play Nintendo there and walk to the candy store. He would spend ours at the coffee shop with his friends, my sister and I would sit there and drink hot chocolate and sneak off the the bathroom to smoke cigarettes. This was much better than Grandma's house.

Until one day. About a month after we moved there, something really bad happened at his house. I was so scared but had to keep a brave face for my sister who was younger and now emotionally damaged. I was angry. I called my mom right away. I don't remember how long it took, all I know is one day this horrible thing happened and then the next thing I remember we were moving back to where we came from.

I was so relieved. I couldn't wait to move back to my friends. Thing was we didn't have a place to live anymore. So my mom talked to her friend from our old apartment complex and she said we could come stay with her. Problem was, there was already a house full of people. She had 2 kids, her sister and her kid lived there, and a grandchild. So my best friend asked her mom if I could stay with them. She agreed and I think that is where my life changed.

More later...

Ok wow. So my feelings were kind of hurt yesterday morning. Well not really kinda, they were definitely hurt. Try as I might, it's hard not to take personally.

First let me tell you that there are a couple of girls in my small unit who buy a lot of movies. They bring them for us all to borrow. Very giving spirits. There was a little confusion early last week when our boss returned a movie she borrowed, Elizabethtown. Seem we had 2 of them floating around, one belonging to D and one belonging to L, but the boss was sure she borrowed D's. So D takes it home end of story.

Well last week L was one of the people laid off. Unfortunately she is pretty bitter. She worked for the company for 22 years and feels betrayed I guess. I've never been laid off so I'm not sure how I would feel, but I would cherish the friendships I left behind.

While L was packing up her desk she kept forgetting things. Pictures of her dogs, pictures of her friends son, we pointed them out to her before she left and she took them but just seemed distracted. Totally understandable given the circumstances. After she left we realized that there were some other things that she left. Maybe she meant to, I'm not sure. One of the things she left I was sure she would want. Her husband works for a glass company and made her a beautiful name plate, which she left here. Also, over the weekend D realized that she now had 2 Elizabethtown DVDs, obviously the one the boss returned actually belonged to L. D called L on Saturday and left her a message letting her know she had her movie. D never recieved a callback.

So today I called L to let her know I could bring her stuff by after work, L and I live very close to each other, if today was a good day for her. Here's how the conversation went.

L: Hello

Me: Hi L, it's Unbalanced

L: Oh hi (her tone her was friendly)

Me: I was calling to see if today was a good day for me to stop by to drop off somethings you left last week.

L: Like what? (tone losing the friendliness a little)

Me: Just some little things and maybe you didn't want them. But one thing I was sure you wanted was your name plate M made for you.

L: No, that's ok. (tone now ice cold, like she would rather take the opportunity to be nasty to me rather than have her things)

Me: You don't want it?

L: No, that's ok. (again, ICE cold)

Me: Ok. Well D also brought your movie, I think she called you about it this weekend.

L: Well they sure acted like they wanted it, I tried to tell them it was mine. (not sure how to describe her tone here, sufice it to say it was anything but friendly... she acted as though the boss and D intentionally kept her movie)

Me: You don't want your movie?

L: No, that's ok. Ya'll can keep it.

Me: Ok. Um. *silence* I guess. Bye then.

L: *dial tone*

It really saddens me. I feel like I should be sympathetic to her situation. But, I didn't do this to her. If it were up to me she would not have been laid off. I really like her. She had her moments but then didn't we all. This is someone we spent time with outside of work. Someone I considered a friend. She's been to my home, I've been to hers. She would make special trick or treat bags for my kids and we would make a point to go to her house so she could give them to the kids personally. I will miss her. Especially now that I realize she does not plan on continuing our friendship now that we don't work together anymore. The whole situation is just sad and I'm sorry it has cost me a friend.

Ok, so I'm going to attempt to give a little history of my life. Countless important things will be left out I'm sure, as the story does branch off into many different directions. Anyhow, here goes...

My mother was one of 12 children. One died at birth, one half of a set of twins, so there are 11 living. The youngest, a girl, was the only one raised in my grandmother's home. All the rest were spread out, I'm not even sure where some of them were raised. My mother ended up living with her father until she was 10 or 11. After being removed from his home she spent several years living in a group home which released you at age 16. At that point she was taken into a foster home. It was very strict and rarely enjoyable, but she was loved and cared for. She ended up living there into her 20's. This is the place she now considers home.

Given my mom's lack of role model as a parent I'm sure you can gather that being a parent herself was not an easy task. She ended up with 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. My brothers are older and after her divorce with their dad, his parents ended up with custody of them. Then came me and then my sister 2 years later. Incidentally, my father died in a drunk driving accident on the day my sister was born. My mom didn't really have a relationship with my father, so it's like that whole side of my history or lineage is just gone, wiped clean.

So growing up it was just my mom, my sister, and I. My mom didn't always have the capabilities of caring for us and so the cycle continued. Both my sister and I spent many years in and out of a particular group home. My sister made the rounds on a few more than I did, she also lived with an aunt for awhile. I ended up living with my best friend in junior high for 3 years.

There was abuse in all our childhoods that in many, many ways still affects us today. Somehow I broke out of this mold and started to build a foundation for my life.

More later...

The company I work for has not been doing well in the past 2 1/2 years. They have laid off more than half the company. Some departments are gone completely. When I started here my department had 65 people, with 25 of those in my unit. Today 6 more people were laid off in the company; 2 from the department I work for and 1 from our unit. Bring our totals to 14 for the department and 5 for my unit. It's depressing. I've worked here 7 years. I have never worked with a group of people more amazing than these. The woman let go today has been here 21 years, she was laid off when a whole department was no longer needed 2 years ago. Before her termination date she applied for a job in our department and got laid off again. I feel so bad for her. I'm definitely having survivor guilt.

My family thinks I should look for another job for fear I will be laid off. But I have so many friends who have been laid off and have had little to no luck finding a comparable position somewhere else. It sucks to always feel like the end is just around the corner, but there don't seem to be many options out there.

The thought of leaving really saddens me. I love the people I work with. They are family to me. They are the ones I call when my life is going down the tubes. If I have a bad night, they are here every morning to help me thru it. They know more about me than most people. Coming to this job each day is like my therapy.

I can't believe it. I mean I knew it, but was hoping otherwise. My FSHS came over last night to watch The L Word and even showed up with tissues. I can't believe Dana is dead. I'm just so sad. She was one of my favorite characters. Always making me laugh. She will be sorely missed. I'm interested to see how everyone is going to deal with this.

I'm tired of Tina. I don't feel like she has even tried to see if there is anything worth rekindling in her relationship with Bette. She got so caught up in being the main provider for the family and then throwing it in Bette's face and now she's falling for this guy. Please.

I was surprised by Carmen's confession. I can totally see why she did it without having to agree with it. It was wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right. But I think it made Shane realize what it must have felt like for Carmen.

Alice. What is going to happen to Alice now. Her best friend is gone now. They had just begun to enjoy their friendship again and Dana's gone.

I can't wait to see what will happen in the last two episodes. Then it's a LONG wait for season 4.

My only son just turned 5. A few days after my argument with my sister a couple weeks ago he was asking his cousin if her mom was still kicked out. She told him no she wasn't. So he looked up with this kind of "confused, yet starting to understand look" and asked "Well, then is she kicked in?"

I laughed so hard. I can so see how that would make sense to him.

This weekend started off with a bang. My soon to be EH sent me a text messages asking that I make sure I put my toys away because my oldest daughter had seen them. Oh boy! First of all, I am not negligent with my "delicate" things. I put them up where they belong. Second of all, this is not something my daughter would talk to him about. Weird. So, I asked my daughter about it and (long story short) she talked to her aunt, who told her husband (my EH's twin), who told EH. It seems that when my daughter's long time best friend came to spend the weekend with us, she was digging in my closet. Although her friend did discover them, then showed them to my daughter, she made sure to iterate that it's normal for couples to have those, even her grandparents have them. WTF!!! TMI!!! (Snoopy, snoopy child) Well at least we weren't the only victims of this girl, she apparently has been digging in her grandparents drawers and closet.

My relationship with my girlfriend has been very hard for my husband to deal with. So you could say this was not a very comfortable piece of information for him to know. My daughter was so upset that she had inadvertently trusted someone who was now obviously not worthy. She felt like she was partly to blame for her dad hurting. I was pleasantly surprised at how mature she was about all of it though. She amazes me everyday.

My relationship has been hard for her too, and her ages doesn't help. I remember just how bad my life sucked with I was almost 13. Last night my girlfriend and I were cuddling in our bedroom listening to music and FBD (First Born Daughter) came in. She was irritated to have walked in on us showing that little bit of affection. But then later she came to me and told me that I need to do what makes me happy, even if it's not what everyone else wants. I was so proud of her. We just take it day by day... and little by little it really does get better.

Last night was a good night. My baby was off and we got to spend some much needed time together. Nothing special, but just knowing that she was right there and didn't have to run off to work. I got to fall asleep in her arms. Hmmm, it was heaven.

I thought last night would be a bust, but in the end it all worked out. I've been cautious going forward in this relationship for fear (irrational or not, I'm just not sure yet) that she might just go thru the motions and not really give 100%. Side note: Not sure if I've mentioned this but she works overnight and I work during the day. Usually I wake her up when I get home if she isn't awake already. Oh, and she is VERY hard to wake up most of the time. I'm usually home by 5:20 but didn't get home until 6:00 last night. So I get home last night and go into our room to wake her up. She doesn't budge. I leave her alone for a few minutes, but go back and try it again. Nothing. 7:00 rolls around and I try again, all the while I'm sad, I always take it personal when she doesn't wake up, like she doesn't feel it's important enough. (I know, pathetic) We have only a few short hours to see each other before she goes to work. She finally gets up a few minutes after 7, whew! But what really made it ok is that she woke up and was upset with herself because she realized how little time we had together. With a household of 8 people, 4 kids running around, dinner to be made, dishes to be washed, laundry to be put away, bills to pay, and working opposite shifts; we really only have very few opportunities to even be around each other. She apologized to me and raced to do everything she needed to do and joined me in what I needed to do, just to get a little time with me. I definitely felt validated, and not avoided (which is one of my fears). Like I said, little by little. Hopefully in 2 weeks she will be going to day shift!

So, little by little things are getting better. I'm definitely making some big efforts to control my temper and possessive ways. I hope she can see how much I'm working for our relationship. To be honest though, it's hard. I feel so insecure now, always wondering what she's thinking, is she regretting her decisions. But I have to remind myself that my insecurities are issues I have with me, not her. She is doing a good job of being independent, not sacrificing what she wants or needs to placate me, and still letting me know I'm loved and cherished at the same time. I'm just trying to get to that point where I can be confident in myself and my abilities to show her she is loved and cherished as well.

ttfn

Ok, so this weekend started early for me. I took Friday off because Thursday was almost unbearable. My relationship began almost a year ago but got serious about August. It was intense from the beginning, for many reasons, one of which is that we already lived together when our relationship started. It has been a rocky road so far. But Thursday made me realize how much I take her for granted. In true Scorpio fashion, I can be possessive and jealous, and because of past hurts and insecurities I have kept her at a distance emotionally, making her always feel she wasn't doing enough. Boy did I fuck up. About 10 o'clock Thursday night she very calmly told me that she was setting me free to be with someone who could make me happy. She said she was done trying in our relationship and always feeling like a failure.

We stayed up all night talking, crying, me trying to convince her to give me another chance, her trying to convince me that she couldn't go through another break up like this. It was absolutely horrible, heart wrenching. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Thing is, I'm a very strong person, I have been through so much in my life already and always manage to get through it with grace, strength, and perseverance. So for me to be so undone by the ending of this relationship, one I don't always act like I want to be in, seemed uncharacteristic. But I was devastated. I realized I was being so stupid. She loves me for everything that I am and with everything that she is and yet because she wasn't "perfect" I constantly made her feel unworthy. I regret it so much. I can't believe I've been such an ass. The worst part... I somehow morphed into my (soon to be) Ex-husband and she morphed into me (all strength and maturity). I know exactly how it feels to be in her position and I hated it.

She asked me to give her a few days to think about things. As hard as it was; I shut up and just let her think. In 41 hours I only slept for an hour and half, I didn't eat for 2 days. I just had no desire to do either. Luckily she decided to give us another chance. Whew! I want to take every day to let her know how much I love her. I just hope I don't fail her.

I can't wait! My baby is off tonight! We work opposite shifts right now and don't get to spend a lot of time together. I'm really looking forward to being able to fall asleep in her arms tonight.

I just realized The L Word season finale is March 26th. I'm so sad. How in the world will I entertain myself for the next 9 months awaiting season 4? I'm just devastated. Now I knew it could not go on for ever. But still... it just seems too soon. I have to make sure I truly enjoy the next 4 episodes.

Well... I'm off to pout