Monday, March 06, 2006
The death of my relationship... Almost
Ok, so this weekend started early for me. I took Friday off because Thursday was almost unbearable. My relationship began almost a year ago but got serious about August. It was intense from the beginning, for many reasons, one of which is that we already lived together when our relationship started. It has been a rocky road so far. But Thursday made me realize how much I take her for granted. In true Scorpio fashion, I can be possessive and jealous, and because of past hurts and insecurities I have kept her at a distance emotionally, making her always feel she wasn't doing enough. Boy did I fuck up. About 10 o'clock Thursday night she very calmly told me that she was setting me free to be with someone who could make me happy. She said she was done trying in our relationship and always feeling like a failure.
We stayed up all night talking, crying, me trying to convince her to give me another chance, her trying to convince me that she couldn't go through another break up like this. It was absolutely horrible, heart wrenching. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Thing is, I'm a very strong person, I have been through so much in my life already and always manage to get through it with grace, strength, and perseverance. So for me to be so undone by the ending of this relationship, one I don't always act like I want to be in, seemed uncharacteristic. But I was devastated. I realized I was being so stupid. She loves me for everything that I am and with everything that she is and yet because she wasn't "perfect" I constantly made her feel unworthy. I regret it so much. I can't believe I've been such an ass. The worst part... I somehow morphed into my (soon to be) Ex-husband and she morphed into me (all strength and maturity). I know exactly how it feels to be in her position and I hated it.
She asked me to give her a few days to think about things. As hard as it was; I shut up and just let her think. In 41 hours I only slept for an hour and half, I didn't eat for 2 days. I just had no desire to do either. Luckily she decided to give us another chance. Whew! I want to take every day to let her know how much I love her. I just hope I don't fail her.
We stayed up all night talking, crying, me trying to convince her to give me another chance, her trying to convince me that she couldn't go through another break up like this. It was absolutely horrible, heart wrenching. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Thing is, I'm a very strong person, I have been through so much in my life already and always manage to get through it with grace, strength, and perseverance. So for me to be so undone by the ending of this relationship, one I don't always act like I want to be in, seemed uncharacteristic. But I was devastated. I realized I was being so stupid. She loves me for everything that I am and with everything that she is and yet because she wasn't "perfect" I constantly made her feel unworthy. I regret it so much. I can't believe I've been such an ass. The worst part... I somehow morphed into my (soon to be) Ex-husband and she morphed into me (all strength and maturity). I know exactly how it feels to be in her position and I hated it.
She asked me to give her a few days to think about things. As hard as it was; I shut up and just let her think. In 41 hours I only slept for an hour and half, I didn't eat for 2 days. I just had no desire to do either. Luckily she decided to give us another chance. Whew! I want to take every day to let her know how much I love her. I just hope I don't fail her.
posted by Unbalanced at 11:01 AM, | 
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Yikes! Not a post I would have expected to read after Thursday's post "looking forward to tonihgt." I hope things work out for you.
Zoe - welcome. I know right. Like I said, I was so looking forward to falling asleep in her arms, but that never happened. I was completely caught off gaurd and none of my previous tactics worked. It was time to do some serious thinking about what I was doing wrong. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
In the early stages of my rocky relationship, we nearly broke up about 3 times. But each time we decided we couldn't bear to be apart and we would forgive each other our stupid behavior. I'm working on year 7 and it's definitely becoming smoother as we iron out the differences. If it's worth holding on to, persevere at it, communicate, and things will work out.
Thank you Geeky, it always helps to know you're not the only one out there. Safety in numbers I guess. And to know there are people who have been where you are and made it thru. I was afraid she would not decide to forgive me for my stupid behavior, but she did... and I'm grateful.