Perpetual Unbalance

In honor of Blogging for LGBT Families Day I want to share some of my story as the mother of 3 great kids, ages 13, 5, and 3. Some of this information I have shared before. The focus of this post is mostly about my oldest daughter and the struggle my coming out has been for her and a little about how her father and I co-parent her. I have not been out to my family for very long at all. One year ago this month I separated from my husband and started the steps I needed to take to end that marriage legally, physically, and spiritually. We share custody of our children equally, one week at a time. Within 6 months of my separation I fell in love with a woman. As you can imagine, this has been hard for my 13 year old. At a time when she is struggling with puberty and coming into her own sexuality, not only is her world rocked with the separation of her parents but now her mom is in love with a woman. Unfortunately, her father has not been very, um... we'll say... mature about the whole thing and that just puts her in an even more difficult position. Not wanting to hurt him by trying to accept my life and my choices, she often finds herself at a loss of words. There were many talks between my daughter and I, and my ex and I, but they just seemed to go round and round. After one particularly big blow up, the three of sat down together and said some things that weren't so easy for us to say. My daughter was able to tell her father just how hard it is for her to answer his questions about life at my house because she doesn't want to hurt him. I aired my daughters fear that if she were in some way happy in my home that it would be a betrayal to her father. Turns out those fears were based in some facts. But in hearing how it was tearing her up, he realized that it was not fair of him to put those kinds of expectations on her. As angry, hurt, and upset as he is about my life and my choices, when it all gets boiled down, he really does want her to be happy and is accepting that it is important for her to find some kind of balance and happiness in both of our homes. I was shocked just how much my daughter needed that confrontation in front of both of us. It took away her anxieties about betraying one parent behind their back to the other since we were both present, it really freed her up to talk about some things that even I didn't realize were bothering her. It greatly improved her attitude around home and her willingness to accept my life. My hope is that one day, she will look back on this time in our lives and be proud of who I am and that I stood for what was right for me. I want to be a role model for her. As she gets older I want her to know that it's ok to stand for what she wants and what is right for her, despite what other people think. There is such power in knowing yourself and being true to that knowledge, that's what I wish for her.