Perpetual Unbalance

Ok, first of all I think blogger was having a nervous breakdown (perhaps a hormonal imbalance?). So my apologies to everyone who thought I fell off the face of the earth. I didn't (although I'd like to take a flying leap off, we'll get into that later). I didn't even realize it was missing until a friend pointed it out to me. So, here I am... safe and sound (well sort of).

This is one of the many times in my life where my overwhelming need to escape has come on with such crushing force (I think it's hereditary). All I wanted to do last night was escape. Escape from my home, my neighborhood, the car, my environment, just my whole damn life. I felt like a claustrophobic locked in a tunnel.

Ok, here, I will try to explain. My oldest daughter and my niece went to El Paso with C's mom for a couple of weeks. I was really surprised when my daughter agreed to go because after the last time, she said she would never go back. My niece has lived with them before and everyone (including my sister) sees that they play favorites to my niece. Well last night I got home to a "surprise". They were home. My daughter just really wanted to come home, she said she missed us. Never really complained about the trip other than being bored at times. She really seemed to handle herself maturely and seemed proud of herself. She even told us about a conversation her and my niece had that she was really excited to relay to us. Remember that my daughter has had a hard time dealing with my relationship with C. My niece pointed out that there was room for C to move back home with her mom and it made my daughter realize that she doesn't want her to leave. She has grown to like her being there and would miss her. I know C and I's hearts both filled with pride as she relayed the story to us. She made us laugh as she topped the story off with "See, I don't need counseling anymore".

C, her mom, and I all went out to dinner. It started out fine (a little uncomfortable). She had "jokingly" complained about my daughter off and on. So I asked her if she was really that bad. The rest of the time I had to hear about poor niece and evil daughter. I know them both, hell dealt with them both and they both have their own issues. Neither is any worse than the other.

***Well, there was a whole lot more to this post but it seems blogger is taking aim at me today and after saving my draft, I came back and this was all there was. Perhaps that's fate's way of telling me I've bitched long enough and I just need to get over it.***

Ok, so here's a question for you...

I had an amazing weekend. Do you know that it has been over a year since I have had the house to myself? Or that C and I have never before now been able to spend a weekend without anyone else around? Well this was that weekend. My oldest daughter and my niece went out of town to visit at Grandma for a few weeks. Of course, my sister is still in jail/treatment facility. My mom went to spend the weekend with her boyfriend and my youngest two were at their dad's. Wow! The whole house to ourselves, no interruptions, no distractions, nothing! Let me just say, it was bliss.

As soon as I found out that we would have the house to ourselves over the weekend I told C not to make plans for Saturday night. It was time I put my romantic side to work. So Friday night my BFF and I went all over town gathering some things to aid in the evening I had planned. We drove all the way out to north Dallas and when we were done shopping, we headed back out to the car. Only problem was BFF locked her keys in the car. So she called her husband and while trying to explain to him where we are, her phone dies. So here we are just sitting in the parking lot joking around not letting this unfortunate turn of events ruin our time hanging out. Of course we got some very curious looks, but who cares!

Finally a security guard drove by and I chased him down. He had a slim jim and helped us out. So 40 minutes after walking out of the mall we are back on the road. Problem now is BFF's phone is dead and the directions to the next place we wanted to go where sent to her phone. Oh well, at least I was smart enough to write the phone number down and take it with us. I had a vague idea of where this place was but we still got a little turned around. Here's how the conversation went:

Me - Ok, we went to far. Pull over at this gas station and I will call them from the pay phone

BFF - I have no idea where we are. How do you know we went to far?

Me - Because the the jail is 2 blocks down this street.

At this point we just kind of look at her and laugh that unfortunately, I've been to the jail often enough to use it as a point of reference. Go figure!

So by the time Saturday rolled around I was ready to spend some quality time with my sweetie. We went to the movies and saw The DaVinci Code. (I really enjoyed the movie, although of course, the book was better) Then we headed to the deli, grabbed some sandwiches and had a picnic. The rest of the evening progressed quite smoothly, with lots of much needed quality time and some really good conversation. She walked into our room to 35 candles softly illuminating it and a tray of fruit (strawberries, blueberries, cantaloupe, grapes, honeydew mellon), chocolate, and whip cream. Hmmm... it was heaven!

In honor of Blogging for LGBT Families Day I want to share some of my story as the mother of 3 great kids, ages 13, 5, and 3. Some of this information I have shared before. The focus of this post is mostly about my oldest daughter and the struggle my coming out has been for her and a little about how her father and I co-parent her. I have not been out to my family for very long at all. One year ago this month I separated from my husband and started the steps I needed to take to end that marriage legally, physically, and spiritually. We share custody of our children equally, one week at a time. Within 6 months of my separation I fell in love with a woman. As you can imagine, this has been hard for my 13 year old. At a time when she is struggling with puberty and coming into her own sexuality, not only is her world rocked with the separation of her parents but now her mom is in love with a woman. Unfortunately, her father has not been very, um... we'll say... mature about the whole thing and that just puts her in an even more difficult position. Not wanting to hurt him by trying to accept my life and my choices, she often finds herself at a loss of words. There were many talks between my daughter and I, and my ex and I, but they just seemed to go round and round. After one particularly big blow up, the three of sat down together and said some things that weren't so easy for us to say. My daughter was able to tell her father just how hard it is for her to answer his questions about life at my house because she doesn't want to hurt him. I aired my daughters fear that if she were in some way happy in my home that it would be a betrayal to her father. Turns out those fears were based in some facts. But in hearing how it was tearing her up, he realized that it was not fair of him to put those kinds of expectations on her. As angry, hurt, and upset as he is about my life and my choices, when it all gets boiled down, he really does want her to be happy and is accepting that it is important for her to find some kind of balance and happiness in both of our homes. I was shocked just how much my daughter needed that confrontation in front of both of us. It took away her anxieties about betraying one parent behind their back to the other since we were both present, it really freed her up to talk about some things that even I didn't realize were bothering her. It greatly improved her attitude around home and her willingness to accept my life. My hope is that one day, she will look back on this time in our lives and be proud of who I am and that I stood for what was right for me. I want to be a role model for her. As she gets older I want her to know that it's ok to stand for what she wants and what is right for her, despite what other people think. There is such power in knowing yourself and being true to that knowledge, that's what I wish for her.