Perpetual Unbalance

Three's Company

2008-03-07T10:28:00.007-06:00

Wow, I know it's been a LONG time since I've posted and I can't say I'll be posting with any sort of regularity but I did want to share some news. My sister had the triplets last weekend. They are all doing great. They were born early Sunday morning. All during the pregnancy the babies were labeled baby A, B, and C so my sister decided to name them according to their womb initial. They were born in alphabetical order. Addisynn Grace was born at 1:13 am, weighed 4 lbs 6.6 oz, and was 16 1/4 in. Brooklynn Malynn was born at 1:14 pm, weighed 4 lbs 2.7 oz, and was 17 1/4 in. Cydnee Anivel was born at 1:16 am, weighed 3 lbs 6.1 oz, and was 15 in. They are absolutely adorable! Here are some pictures:

(unfortunately the ink was running low on Brooklynn's)

3? Did you say 3?

2007-08-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

I had some very shocking news recently. My sister found out about a week ago that she's pregnant. She's been having alot of pain and after suffering a miscarriage recently she was very fearful she was miscarrying again. She went to the doctor and they did an ultra sound. Good news! Everything is ok with the baby. And the other one. And the other one. My sister is carrying triplets!!!

The doctor has warned her that all 3 babies may not develop, as she's only 5 weeks thing could change over the next 35. But at this time all is well and really, that's the most I can ask for.

Manic Monday - August 13

2007-08-13T07:18:00.000-05:00

What would you like to accomplish this month? I have some "spring" cleaning I need to get accopmplished this month. Maybe this weekend... :)

How would people who knew you in high school describe you? Hmmm, people would probably call me a firecracker. Quiet and unassuming until fired up. lol

What's your favorite meal of the day, and why? I'd have to say dinner. Especially now that my sister has moved in with me. She a great cook!

ISTJ not WWJD

2007-08-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

Manic Monday - July 30

2007-07-30T10:33:00.000-05:00

Have you planned your funeral and/or written your will? No, I've thought alot about it and what needs to be done/taken care of but I've never actually put any of my thoughts into practice.

Do you carry an umbrella when rain is forecast or do you just risk it? No, I don't ever even know what the weather is going to be like until I walk out the door. I do own an umbrealla but I don't even know where it is.

How bad is the traffic in your town? Does it bother you or do you take it as it comes? Rush hour traffic is really bad where I live. I'm right between two major citys and there are always people commuting from one to the other or somewhere in between. Now that I own an automatic it's easier to take it as it comes but when I drove a standard it was hell!

Manic Moday - June 11

2007-06-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

What celebrity crushes did you have when you were growing up? The first crush I remember having growing up was on Joey from NKOTB!!!

What cartoon character best describes you? I have no idea what cartoon character I would be, but I'm sure it would be a dark and twisted one.

Complete this statement “I recommend…” (it can be a TV show, book, movie, website, activity, restaurant, etc.) the movie Saving Face. It was a really good movie and there was no build up to it because I had never heard of it when I saw it. So the comedic brilliance I found in this movie was refreshing.

Manic Monday - June 4

2007-06-04T08:57:00.000-05:00

How do you learn best? Watch and learn? Participation? Reading directions or technical manuals? I learn best if I can watch someone do it, then have specific directions to do it on my own. I'm very hands on and impatient. I am absolutely not an audio learner, I just tune it all out.

Is one of your senses more highly developed than another? If so, which one? Nope, sometimes I think they're all duds. lol

Summer is almost upon us here in the northern hemisphere. What says summer to you? The smell of tanning lotion and chlorine.

Late Manic Monday - May 28

2007-05-29T08:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Monday was so Manic I didn't even get to do Manic Monday on Monday. Psht! Go figure. Actually yesterday was the first day I've had off since my return from vacation in March. So I attacked a MASSIVE mountain of laundry and some other equally mundane tasks and then spent the rest of my day watching episode after episode of Dr. Phil. Hi, my name is Unbalanced. I am a Dr. Phil addict. Anyway, so on to my missed Manic Monday meme.

What's your favorite food item that is in your refrigerator right now? I think that would have to be pepperjack cheese. YUMMY!!!

Do you enjoying barbecuing on the grill? What's something that you make often? I myself do not enjoy cooking on the grill, I don't enjoy cooking anywhere really. In fact, the closest I've come to grilling would be throwing some pre-made hamburger patties on my George Forman grill.

What one item (kitchen gadget, appliance, food item) in your kitchen best describes your personality? Why? Wow, that's a hard one to answer... especially since I have no idea what some of those things are in my kitchen. ???

Manic Monday - May 21

2007-05-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

Well, the first question of today's Manic Monday comes in handy as I wanted to write about just that. So here goes...

What was the best day of the past week for you and why? The best day for me was Thursday. Thursday evening I drove to the airport and picked up my girlfriend. She came in town for a 4 day weekend. Damn I needed to see her. This weekend she finally met the last of my family. Now she knows who everyone is and guess what... they all LOVE her. BFF's mom, who is for all intents and purposes my mom, she was so freakin excited to see Turtle. No one knew she was coming. It was a surprise to everyone and honestly I think Mom was almost as excited to see her as I was. Seeing my mom's face light up like that made me feel so right about everything. She doesn't just accept her, welcome her... she embraces her. She already feels like she's gained another daughter, not just an extension of my family but an addition to her own. Only one thing left... she's looking forward to meeting her new grandson. In June we'll all be together for the first time. Turtle and her son will be here for 9 days and we are all going camping over the weekend. 21 of us, camping at Hillbilly Haven of all places lol. I am so looking forward to having Turtle, our kids, my two best friend's and their families, and our parents bringing us all together.

What is the best thing about the city in which you currently live? There are lots of things to do here. We have a major baseball team here, soon to have an NFL team, we have a Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor. Yet, the best thing about where I live is that all my family is here with the exception of my girlfriend and her son, but that will come in time.

What do you love most about yourself? The thing I love most about myself is I'm finally learning how to be happy. I'm learning that no one is going to do that for me, I have to be willing to stand up and be responsible for my own happiness. And guess what... I've never been happier.

She talks a lot...

2007-05-17T07:59:00.000-05:00

and she knows it. My daughter, nicknamed Saribug, just talks non-stop. At times it's as though she is narrating all that goes on around her. Here she demonstrates what a duck, lion, and a Saribug say.

Manic Monday - May 14

2007-05-14T10:27:00.000-05:00

Is it easier for you to forgive or to forget? It's definitely easier for me to forgive than to forget. A sincere apology, accountability, and a show of honest remorse is about all it takes to earn my forgiveness. However, in true Scorpio form, it's often filed away in case it's needed again. I do not forget easily, if at all.

Do you believe people can change? I believe that everyone has the ability to change their lives. It's how cycles are broken every day. I do not believe it is easy, it requires a constant evaluation of where you've been, where you are, and where you want to be. What can I say? When I'm not playing the devil's advocate, I'm an optimist and can believe the best of anyone, until proven otherwise.

Has life made you more cynical or more hopeful? Oh I'd say I have my bouts with hope and cynicism but I think overall I'm a hopeful person. I have witnessed many people making great choices in their lives, turning things around, taking hard life blows and making the best of them. So yes, I think I'd have to say I'm hopeful. The glass is half full afterall.

Manic Monday - May 7

2007-05-07T16:45:00.000-05:00

What do you remember about your first day of school? I don't remember my first day.

Have you ever attended a high school or college reunion? Nope

What was it like? n/a

Do you keep in regular contact with anyone from high school and/or college? I have 3 friends that I keep in close contact with from high school. My BFF and BFF2 are still my closest friends, actually they are my family.

Is it possible to die from laughing?

2007-04-25T14:11:00.000-05:00

So we all get the "forwards" emails where funny jokes and cute little best friend shit gets passed around until it's circled the globe a few times, but do you get the same thing on your phone in the form of a text message? I do. And I pass it on too. If it's funny. Or shocking enough. Today, it proved to be the highlight of my day. I swear I've never gotten a response to one like I did this time. So here's what the text message said...

I will go down on you &
make you extremely
happy then come back up
& fuck the shit out of u!
Sincerely, your gas prices.

and here are the responses I got...

LOL! Wasn't sure where that was heading!

I think I scared her. hehehe

I was fixing to ask you if you sent that to the right
person

Fixin to have to go take a cold shower but never mind

(side not: yes we are from Texas and yes we really do say "fixin to" or "fiddinto")

At first I thought you sent that to the wrong person!

(do I see a trend here? like am I just an idiot when it comes to the To: box? Jeez)

and here is my personal favorite, after receiving my text, my BFF2's husband (Rock) called her and this is the email I got from BFF2...

OMG, U JUST GAVE ROCK THE BIGGEST FREAKIN HEART ATTACK!!! HE GOT THE TEXT U JUST SENT, BUT DIDNT SEE THE PART WHERE IT SAID "SINCERELY, YOUR GAS PRICES" .....HE BOUT SHIT A BRICK, HE THOUGHT U TEXTED HIM THAT U WANTED TO GO DOWN ON HIM THEN COME BACK AND FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM----HE WAS SSSSOOOOOO FREAKIN OUT JUST NOW- HE CALLED ME AND WAS LIKE WTF IS UP WITH UR BFF- I WAS LIKE HUH??? THEN HE SENT ME THE TEXT SAME TIME U DID- THAT WAS FUNNY

and she even went on to say...

OMG unbalanced - it was so funny. he was like wtf is up with unbalanced, she sent me this text and he is all rambling on and on about why on earth were u talkin to him that way, i was like omg...send me the text babe, let me read it, so he sends it and i got it same time as urs, i read urs first then went to his and was like OMG, he didnt read the whole thing, he probably didnt get past the first line before he shit himself- ROFLMMFAO, i laffed so hard- u have to text him and tell him he is a nerd, u have to!!

believe it or not, that's not all she had to say about it either...

i told dad and he said he fell out of his chair he was laffin so hard- i thought it was from rock at first. i was kinda gettin excited- then i was like awwww unbalanced, ur killin me- lol then dad told gene and he fell out of his chair laffin so hard- lol

so of course i had to ask her what Rock said when she read him the last line...

he was like- oh, scared the shit out of me, i thought unbalanced lost her mind, i was like omg- i laffed at him so hard- poor guy!!! i just told mom about it oo- waitin on her response

to which "our" mom (which is technically, biologically BFF's mom) CALLED me. She was laughing so hard that all I could hear was wheezing. LOL, oh it's been a laugh a minute around here today.

A vacation I will never forget

2007-03-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

So sorry it took so long, I've been fighting with Blogger and my image hosting site trying to get this post completed. So here you go...

I had a wonderful vacation even if there were a few bumps along the way. We were both pretty nervous because in the 2 weeks prior we'd had some miscommunication. Things we now know we shouldn't have put off talking about for so long. I'm so glad we had this time together, not only did it rejuvenate us but it gave us some very needed down time to talk things through, to talk about expectations, wants, and desires. I fell more in love with her over those nine days than I ever thought were possible. The way that we click, the way we fit together, it just amazes me. She is definitely everything I ever wanted but never thought I would have.

Perhaps one of the most surprising parts of the trip was her family. Turtle's family is very religious and have a hard time accepting that she is a lesbian. So I was kind of nervous about meeting them. Unlike my girlfriend, I have not experienced a lot of judgements where my sexuality is concerned. Where I live it is pretty accepted, my family and friends have supported me all along, I'm out to everyone in my life and don't hide it from anyone new. So this was going to be a little different experience for me. I met her family with an open mind and respect in my heart but I knew that I might feel slightly persecuted, questioned, judged and expected to feel somewhat defensive and certainly protective of my girlfriend. I was pleasantly surprised that everything I expected was unnecessary.

Turtle's parents welcomed me with an equally open heart and generous hospitality. Her dad made his famous spaghetti and her mom teased us about our ability to eat it because of our tongue rings. We enjoyed great conversation, talking about her dad's travels to the state I live in years ago. One thing I thoroughly enjoyed was their sense of humor, especially her mom's. She has a quick wit that I can admire. Her mom is more reserved and her dad has a soft heart and inquisitive mind. They are affectionate with their family but not outside of that, so imagine my surprise when I got hugs from them, on more than one occasion.

The one I looked forward to meeting the most was her son. He is an amazing kid. I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with him, even if he kicked my but in bowling. He's such a sweet kid. I look forward to having them both be a part of my family. I got the biggest hug from him, it made me smile and brought tears to my eyes. It made me happy to know that he liked me as much as I liked him. He even made a reference about getting a dog when we get a house in Texas. :)

Leaving was the hardest thing to do. To walk away from the woman I love with all of my heart. The woman who brings light and color to my otherwise dark and gray world. I miss her so much already. I miss the little things and the big things too. Lucky for me, she's coming for the weekend in 10 more days.

Here's the link to look at the slide show of some pictures from my trip.

Whoa!

2007-03-28T10:39:00.000-05:00

All I can say is... AMAZING

16 More Days

2007-02-28T08:25:00.000-06:00

Damn does life ever slow down? I swear sometimes I feel like life is running past me and I'm too busy to notice. Just 16 more days until vacation. I can't wait. I will be spending 10 days and 9 nights with my beautiful girlfriend. Not only do I need the break from single parenthood, 2 jobs, 7 days a week work weeks, packing, moving, unpacking, 50 loads of laundry, taxi service, problem solver, Quincinerra (sp?) this and that, and cook... but I just really need to be in the arms of the one I love. I'll be meeting her son as this is my first trip to where she lives. I'm really looking forward to meeting him, especially after talking to him on the phone for months. Even if he does think I have a funny accent, lol. I told him by the end of my trip I will have him saying "y'all". Of course he doesn't think so but I'm afraid he just doesn't know how determined I can be. Muahahahaha. He wants to take me fishing (makes me feel special) but his mom says it will be too cold.

My sister is out of the "treatment community" now and has moved into supportive housing. She is going through some very intensive outpatient probation which entails four 3-hour probation classes a week. She also meets with her judge and probation officer weekly. The stress of figuring out how to fulfill all those obligations along with working at her new job to make the money to pay her probation fees and fines is taking a toll on her. Yet, on the other side of things I hope it's doing good things for her spirit to be able to call and talk to us whenever, to be able to come see us, to spend time with her daughter, and even to spend the night once a week.

So I leave you with some pictures from the Quincinerra (sp?) that my daughter participated it. (BTW, these were taken on a camerphone so they're not the greatest.)

Rainbow Love

2007-02-15T16:10:00.000-06:00

I received the sweetest gift today from my Turtle. One of the many reasons why I love this woman is how sweet, thoughtful, and generous she is. I love the simplest gifts from her because I know they come straight from her heart and she is happy as long as she's made me smile. Today, I not only smile but I blushed. I had an audience around my desk this afternoon all anxiously awaiting to see what surprise the brown box from UPS held. There was talk of me cutting an artery while trying to attack the box with scissors, speculation of what the box might contain, curiosity that it might be something naughty. Inside the box was the softest bear that lights up in a rainbow of colors (my bear has pride baby!). This is to help me through my lonely nights. Awwww, she's the best!!!

You never know who will touch you

2007-01-16T07:54:00.000-06:00

I had no idea that the person I began corresponding with almost a year ago would be someone that I ended up considering one of my best friends, much less that I would fall in love with her. But that is exactly what has happened. She is the most amazing woman I've ever met. She makes me so incredibly happy. I can't wait to see where things take us, this is the woman I have been waiting for. She sees me to a depth no one has ever cared to see before. Not to mention the fact that she sets me on fire! Ok sorry, getting ahead of myself. We began talking in March '06 but met in person 6 months ago, back when we were just friends. I gave a brief rundown of her visit in this post (guess I will call her by the same nickname that I did in that post, Turtle). Then recently, she came for a 4 day weekend. It was absolutely, indescribably, amazing. I'm headed that way in March for 9 wonderful days! She plans to move here in a few years and until then we will see each other as much as possible. What's 1400 miles anyway?

She has a 10 year old son that sounds cute as hell. I've talked to him a few times on the phone and he is very excited about me coming to visit. My kids LOVED Turtle. My oldest has even convinced her to get a myspace and they message pretty frequently. The week she came to visit I didn't have my kids but I wanted her to meet them so I got them for the afternoon one day. Most of the time they were with me that afternoon Turtle played games with them and they still remember it. Every time I'm on the phone with Turtle my youngest asks me when her and her son or coming to visit. They will both come here this summer. I can't wait for us to all be together, even if it will just be for a short time.

I know that this kind of relationship is dreadfully hard to maintain and the odds are against us but I feel in my heart that, with her, it's worth it. I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't do everything I could to be with her. There will be bumps along the way, as there have been already. However we will just keep pressing on.

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-08T08:04:00.000-06:00

So it's a brand new year and I think there's a new me too, to some extent. Did anyone make any New Year's Resolutions this year? I did. A big one. I quit smoking!!! Yaaaaa me! It's been a week and I did smoke one cigarette, but mostly it's been easier than other times when I've quit. So I'm feeling very positive about that. So, come on... now it's your turn.

What's your New Year's Resolution?

I'm Here!

2007-01-02T11:38:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's been so long and I am SOOOOO far behind on blog reading. As soon as I'm done with this little update I'm off to see how all of you are doing. So sorry I haven't been around and I've missed ya'll so much. Things have been busy and hectic lately. I'll try to hit the highlights.

My sister's been home to visit 2 more times since Thanksgiving. It's been awesome.
My mom has completely moved out of my place and in with her boyfriend.
My sister-in-law and her husband moved into their own place.
My "guests" are dwindling and I'm struggling between; relax, enjoy it and hurry organize. Before someone else moves in.
C and I broke up.
I bought a new car since my last one was totaled. I bought a Honda Fit and I love it!
Christmas was fabulous. I had my Christmas with my kids on Christmas Eve, so Christmas day was relaxing and mostly uneventful.
I've started looking for a new place to rent.
Not looking forward to moving, but am looking forward to it being just me and the kids, my niece will still be with me.
My sister will get to come home for good on February 20th and will be coming to live with me.

I'm sure there's so much more but of course I'm drawing a blank. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and stayed safe for New Year's Eve.

Early Thanksgiving

2006-11-22T07:58:00.000-06:00

Boy I have been super, super busy. So here's a quick update. I miss all my blogger friends and can't wait to be able to come around and read all of your blogs. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

We celebrated Thanksgiving early this year. We has our big dinner on Sunday for a very special reason. My sister was able to come home on a 10 hour leisure pass. For the first time since April 15th she was able to walk free and spend some time at home, with her family and most importantly, her daughter. We had a wonderful feast of Turkey, Pineapple Glazed Ham, Cheesy Jalepeno Mashed Potatoes, Dressing, Asparagus Casserole, Sweet Potato Casserole, Candied Yams, Rolls, Homemade Pecan and Pumpkin Pie. Yummy!

We had an awesome time with my sister. She is doing she well in this place and I'm really looking forward to her getting out and living a product, satisfying life. She says it's really hard there, they are in group from 5:30 am to 9:30 pm. They have no "personal" time. However, as hard as it is she's learning a lot and is excited about the next half of her treatment. The second half is focused more on her recovery and treatment plan. Just 3 more months and she will be home.

Birthday Celebration

2006-11-07T07:18:00.000-06:00

Well, I will be turning 30 very soon so we decided that Saturday night we would celebrate. I found the perfect shirt. Here's a picture:

After reading so much about the Suicide Girls from Zoe, I checked out their website and it certainly peaked my interest. So BFF and I ordered tickets but kept it a secret from our girls. We had been looking forward to Nov 4th for almost 6 weeks. Here's a picture of us before heading out.

To start the evening off we killed a bottle of Jagermeister doing Jager bombs and before heading out for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Razoos. We started out with some Gator Punch (like we needed more hehehe), then onto a scrumptuous Crawdaddy Fondue Dip, and I finished it off with Stuffed Fish. It was divine. Here's a picture of us at Razzoos.

After dinner we were headed off to the city and hit one of our favorite local bars. We played a couple games of air hockey. I whooped BFF's ASS. Woot Woot!!! But then C put me back in my place. I tried my first Chocolate Martini, hmmmm it was SOOOOO good. I introduced BFF to the Apple Martini but the chocolate was definitely better. We played a game of pool and me being the GREAT pool shark hit the eight ball in and lost it for us.

We got to the venue where the show was playing about 20 minutes before the doors opened and the line was already really long. I think we should've skipped the game of pool but oh well.

By the time the Suicide Girls came on I was so wasted a barely remember it. What I do remember of it was one of the most exciting shows I've ever been to. There is nothing else like it. I will definitely be going again, but with much less alcohol in my system. As it turns out the most hilarious things that happened that night didn't occur until after we left the club and unfortunately I had to hear about them all second hand because I don't remember even getting in the car. A big HUGE thanks to BFF's girlfriend for being our DD.

Just a Thought

2006-11-06T15:59:00.000-06:00

If the indians would have killed a cat instead of a turkey we all would be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

Cowboys and Indians

2006-10-24T16:34:00.000-05:00

Well... minus the Cowboys.

So a few weeks ago we went to Oklahoma for C's birthday. Her friend at work, MJ, has a birthday the day before C's and was going camping near her home town at the Comanche Pow Wow in OK and invited us along for a weekend of partying, eating, and of course camping.

First off, let me just point out that I do not camp. My last camping experience was when I was a young child and the only thing I remember about it was it rained. Alot. Our tent leaked. Not fun. In fact, my idea of camping would be pretty close to the picture on the left, Luxury Camping. Now C on the other hand grew up camping. Every weekend they didn't already have something to do her parents would pack up the 5 kids and off they'd go to camp somewhere, anywhere really.

So here we are, finding ourselves going on a camping trip for two nights. To say I was less than excited is irrelevant. However, since it was her birthday and all I agreed to go. (ok, so maybe there might've been a not so small incentive thrown my way, involving trying something we've never done, i.e. getting freaky in a tent.)

Problem is, since we don't camp we don't have a tent. MJ has a huge tent that she said we could sleep in too. Of course C already knows the first thing popping in my head about sharing their tent and declines saying we will just get one. Low and behold MJ says her oldest son has a two-man tent we can use. Perfect!

So we left on Friday, early afternoon. It's only about a 3 1/2 hour drive so we got to her mom's house by late afternoon. Bless her mother's heart, she already got us some camping space and parking stickers. We headed out to the campsite to set up camp. Imagine my surprise when they pulled out our tent and it looked like a kids tent, lol. I swear the bottom of it was no bigger than a toddler bed and you could sit up in it and that was it. LMAO, this thing was small.

The Pow Wow was great! We ate some great food, one of which was Fry Bread. As anyone had this? It was awesome. We got to see lots of Indian dances, the costumes were gorgeous. There was a contest of sorts to elect the Indian Princess for the next year. And the elders played a hand game near our tent. It's some sort of gambling game where one person on one team as to guess who on the opposing team in holding the bones that may or may not have been passed on during the drumming. Honestly, was too drunk most of the time to really get a handle on the game so that's the best explaination I have for you.

I made C sick on a carnival ride that was some sort of spinning ride. hehehe. We walked and walked and walked. There were booths set up with some of the most beautiful hand crafted items. We drove home on Sunday morning, yes I did sleep two damn nights in that damn tent, freezing my ass off. However, we really did have a good time. Even if I didn't get my incentive ;)

Another Meme

2006-10-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

I saw this over at Zanne Ado.

1. Dated outside your race? Yep
2. Singing in the shower? Sometimes
3. Spit in someone’s drink? No
4. Played with Barbies? Yes, they were bad girls too.
5. Made someone cry? Unfortunately
6. Opened your Christmas presents early? I used to slit the wrapping paper under the ribbon to see what was in it.
7. Lied to a friend? Yep
8. Watched and cried while watching a soap opera? I'm ashamed to admit... Yep
9. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? I'm pathetic... Yep
10. Ran through the sprinklers naked? Uh NO!
11. Ate food that fell on the floor? Yep
12. Went outside naked? Yep
13. Been on stage? NO!
14. Been on stage naked or close to it? NO!
15. Been in a parade? Yes, the 4th of July parade when I was in high school :)
16. Been in a school play? Nope
17. Drank beer? Unfortunately... YUCK!
18. Gotten detention? and worse
19. Been on a cruise? Not yet
20. Broken into a house? Nope
21. Gotten a tattoo? 2, weird butterfly w/woman's face on my ass and two intertwining hearts on my lower abdomin.
22. Gotten piercings? 3, ears, tongue, belly button
23. Gotten into a fist fight? Yep
24. Gotten into a shouting match? More often than I'd like to
25. Swallowed sea/pool water? Sure
26. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? Oh definitely!
27. Laughed so hard it hurt? Yes, I love that!
28. Tripped on your own feet? Yep
29. Cried yourself to sleep? Yep
30. Cried in public? Yep
31. Thrown up in public? Yep
32. Lied to your parents? Who me? I don't lie :D
33. Skipped class? Duh
34. Cried so hard you threw up? Yep :(
35. Had a one night stand? Yep
36. Left restaurant without paying tab? No way
37. Been Fired from a job? Nope
38. Wanted to make out with your massage therapist, therapist OR hairldresser? Nope
39. Had a drink "sent" to a stranger at a bar? Nope
40. Been winked at and loved it? Yep

What celebrities do I (allegedy) look like?

2006-09-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

I think I've done this before but they didn't have this cool collage thing then.

Hey, don't believe everything you see.

BTW, if you've ever commented on my blog before consider yourself tagged. :) Leave me a comment if you participate so I can check yours out.

Pride Ended with a Bang

2006-09-26T08:50:00.000-05:00

We went to pride Sunday before last and had so much fun. I met up with some people that I know, hung out, caught beads (did not have to flash for them) and various other objects being hurled at us. I drank way too much, hell most of us drank way too much. It rained off and on the entire day, we were soaked. Of course as we are about to leave a torrential downpour begins. This is how the day ended. Damn rain!

Beer: $23
Gas: $10
Beads: Free
Fun had at Pride: Priceless
Beer plus water on the road: $9451

Rock Climbing

2006-09-07T12:09:00.000-05:00

C and I had a date a few weeks back (and for reasons unknown to me I'm just now blogging about it). We went rock climbing! Ok, well no one told me that I was gonna have to use muscles. That shit was hard at times. Also, next time I do this I will cut my nails BEFORE attempting to grab onto something the size of a piece of gum and pulling my body weight in a vertical motion. My nails went POP POP POP. Well, lets just say that I did a lot more belaying than I did climbing :) Afterwards we went out to dinner and then to a friends for a little garage partying. All in all we had a fabulous time.

The next morning we went bowling with her sister and her husband. It was a lot of fun. I was so proud of myself because neither of these things (rock climbing and bowling) are something I would normally do. I have a bad habit of being creatively challenged (lazy) and don't tend to want to do things out of my comfort zone. Gee, guess the anti-depressants are working.

Fashion Label

2006-09-01T11:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, I totally got this from Syd. Go check out her post and see how you can make your own label.

Good news from my sister

2006-08-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

My sister has been transfered "treatment community". I'm so excited. She'll be there for 6 months but with good behavior will be able to come home after a month or so for 8 hours at first. Of course we won't be able to see her for about 4 weeks while she's getting settled in and we are taking classes. She gave me a list of items she needs and there's a fuckton of them. C's getting them all together and taking them to the facility today. I was so excited that she actually got to talk to me to tell me what she needed. She sounded so relieved to finally be out of that jail and said it is nice there. Did I mention she was ecstatic?

WARNING: Boring material ahead

2006-08-23T10:55:00.000-05:00

I really am a bad blogger. As "unbalanced" as my life is and it does change so often, really things just sort of stay the same. We're back to homework battles as the kids are in their second week of school. My son started kindergarten this year and was so excited. It was hard to drop him off that first day and he's been running himself to exhaustion for the past 10 days. He's so afraid he's going to miss something that he doesn't want to stop for a second. So needless to say, bedtime has been a "challenge". He had his first homework this week, and "All About Me" poster. He's so cute working intently on his "homework". One of the things on it said "When I grow up I want to be..." and he responded "a grown up". LOL, makes sense to me.

C and I have a date Saturday night, I'm so excited. We haven't been on a date in forever. I'm really looking forward to spending some one on one time with her, something we get so little of. She has just 6 months of school left, I can't wait! Next weekend is a 4 day holiday from school, a break I know she needs badly.

My best friend is going thru a really hard time right now and my heart goes out to her so much. I know exactly how she feels and I hope she finds comfort in that. It's so hard to watch someone you love so much go through so much pain and be able to do so little about it. I pray for her every night and just hope she finds some peace.

We got a call last night while we were not home on behalf of my sister. Because neither C nor I were home they weren't able to leave any information because we are the only ones on the list and said they would call back. I'm praying that it means she was moved to the "treatment community" yesterday. She said that once she goes we'd get a phone call, so I hope that was it and I'm keeping my fingers crossed while waiting for them to call back.

Ok well, other than that not much has been going on. Sorry it was so boring but I thought I should make an appearance. :)

I've been tagged by Zanne

2006-08-10T14:19:00.000-05:00

Grab the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Avon C-19 (can you believe this is the only freakin book around???)
Open book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence (grab next nearest book if fewer than seven sentences found).
Post the text of the next three sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
Tag three people. I'm tagging Syd, Zoe, and Married Lesbian Mom

Ok, here they are:

D. Scarecrows Meet the friendly down-home couple who each diffuse a classic fall fragrance. Annie Apple's Sent is Hot Apple Pie, Pumpkin Pie Bob's is Pumpkin Pie. 7" H. Straw, felt, and Cotton.

The "Final" Countdown

2006-08-10T13:03:00.000-05:00

I got this from Tropopause.

9 Lasts:
1. Last place you were: My boss' desk
2. Last drug used: Lexapro
3. Last beverage: Dr. Pepper
4. Last Kiss: C
5. Last movie seen: Firewall
6. Last phone call: C
7. Last CD played: 3 Doors Down - A Better Life
8. Last bubble bath: Weeks ago
9. Last time you cried: Couple weeks ago

8 Have You Evers:
1. Have you ever dated someone twice: Yes
2. Have you ever been cheated on: Yes
3. Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Yes
4. Have you ever fallen in love: Yes
5. Have you ever lost someone: Yes
6. Have you ever been depressed: Unfortunately
7. Have you ever been out of the country: Mexico
8. Have you ever been on TV: No

7 States You've Been to:
1. Texas
2. Oklahoma
3. Minnesota
4. Illinois
5. California
6. Arkansas
7. Louisiana

6 Things You've Done Today...
1. Went to the bathroom
2. Worked
3. Blogged
4. Blog hopped
5. Read and answered emails
6. Brushed my teeth

5 Favorite Things:
1. C
2. Oldest Daughter
3. Son
4. Youngest Daughter
5. All the rest of my family

4 People You Can Tell Almost Anything:
1. C
2. BFF
3. Boss, M
4. Co-worker, K

3 Favorite Colors
1. Blue
2. Black
3. Pink

2 things you want to do before you die.
1. Travel
2. Watch my kids graduate from college

1 thing you regret...
1. Growing up before it was time

Full house and conversations

2006-08-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, well not much going on lately but I thought I'd do a quick update and then on to an amusing conversation I had with my oldest daughter (OD). I'm fighting side effects from a new medication I'm now taking, my niece has returned home from her grandparents, C's sister and brother-in-law found theirselves homeless and so have moved in "for a few weeks", and my sister is still in jail still waiting to be transered to the rehab center. So as you can see my house has rapidly filled up once again.

So, on to this conversation... Just a little background first. The company I work for quit "writing new business" about 3 years ago, since then we have just been maintaining the business we currently have. We've had several lay offs reducing our staff to about 1/3 of what it once was. Somehow I've been able to avoid that fate so far. So the conversation came after we had a wonderful visit down on the coast with some family.

OD - Mom we should move there. Please can we move there?

C - Yeah, we should move there, it would be so great.

Me - No, we're not moving. I have a good job here.

C - I could transfer to the location there and you could get a different job.

OD - Yeah, besides you're just going to get laid anyway.

Me - *mouth hanging to the floor in shock* What?

OD - Well... isn't everybody at your job getting laid?

(at this point C and I just crack up laughing)

Me - *still laughing* Honey. You mean laid off.

OD - Ok, well same thing.

Me - No honey, getting laid means *whispers* to have sex

OD - *turns bright red and giggles* Oh *then turns around and walks out

(C and I just howl with laughter, oh such innocence)

I guess I'm glad she didn't know what "getting laid" meant. Of course I was thinking hell if i'm gonna get laid I better start packing. :D

Boundaries people! Boundaries!

2006-07-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

WTH is wrong with boundaries? I mean they're there for a reason. I'm really gonna have to go over some boundaries with my mom. If you've been around here (meaning my blog) long enough you already know the conversation with my mom about sex not too long ago. Today... I was again subjected to a conversation with my mom that I'd rather not ever have again nor have had in the first place. I swear this woman needs some FRIENDS!

(some of my thoughts are in italics throughout the narration of the conversation)

Mom - Honey, I've got to tell you about the funniest thing that happened the other night. I decided to give D a full body massage. So I got the oil-

Me - WAIT! Is this about sex?

Mom - *laughs* no honey not at all. So I got the oil and I started at his feet and then he rolled over so I could do his back.

Me - uh huh (I'm scared where this is going)

Mom - *laughs* well we'd just gotten out of the shower

Me - (oh no, oh no, I'm really scared)

Mom - *still laughing* and we didn't bother to get dressed

Me - (WARNING! WARNING! unwanted information coming too fast to stop)

Mom - so you have to picture D naked and all oily *laughing*

Me - (OMFG NOOOOOO! Unwanted mental flash I SO did not want. WHY they hell would I want to picture D NAKED MOTHER!!!!!!!)

Mom - so I was going to sit on his butt to massage his back and I slid right off *belly laughing*

Me - (Oh no, I just can't believe you just told me this. I don't want to know all this) *silence*

Me - that's funny mom *not laughing*

Mom - I know that's why I had to tell you *laughing

Me - (no you didn't, really... you shouldn't have)

Obviously next time I ALSO need to ask if her story contains NUDITY!

Do you think this is just payback for all the hell I put her thru as a child?

Conversations I don't like so much

2006-07-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

An old friend of mine fowarded an email to me with some funny story and a hunky guy, the following conversation followed:

Unbeliever - now what if you had a guy like that?? would you go for it?
Me - nah... i'd pass him off to you :P
Unbeliever - whatever LIAR
Me - i wouldn't lie to you :D hmmmmm... i wonder if he has a sister???
Unbeliever - WHATEVER DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP

Question... do you think the "all caps" in this conversation means she's yelling at me? Why do I feel the need to defend myself to her? I'm sure if confronted she would say that she was only "teasing" me. Truth is I don't see her very often at all. Probably haven't seen her in a year. We talk often on the computer and I never realized she felt this way. Then again, maybe I'm just overreacting. I was going to end the conversation by not responding after that last statement but then I happen to find the t-shirts that I posted just before this one. So I sent her the first one. hehehe

Excuse me mister...

2006-07-24T20:19:00.000-05:00

I love these T-Shirts!!! I particularly want this one...

Gotta love these too...

*this post has been dedicated to Syd, because I know how you love T-Shirts*

So Unexpected

2006-07-24T19:50:00.000-05:00

C called me at work and the following conversation followed:

C - What are you doing?
Me - Working
C - Are you ready to get off?
Me - Yeah, I just don't want to be here today.
C - That's not what I was talking about.

You know when one sentence can send chills thru your body. Hmmmm, love those unexpected conversations.

Look closely

2006-07-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

I love that these two words exist in one.

Something is off

2006-07-07T10:23:00.000-05:00

I really hate when these periods of time come in my life when I just don't know what to do. When I don't completly understand what is going on with me. I mean I know what is going on with me but I can't understand why. I hate when life is going along in a certain direction and you think everything's ok, not necessarily great, but that you are on the right path. Then all of a sudden, it changes. You're not sure you're on the right path anymore and now you just don't know what to do to sort it all out. I HATE feeling unsure and insecure. Yet I find myself there all over again. I can't like it.

My horoscope for today lends some good advice:

As the Moon leaves your sign for her monthly visit to optimistic Sagittarius, you'll probably react in one of two ways. If everything is going well, you may feel a powerful surge of energy. But if you are in emotional turmoil now, today could be a low point. If this is the case, don't push it; use this time to retreat and recharge. Either way you have an opportunity to make positive changes, but you must be creative in your approach to get what you desire.

It really is too bad everything is not going well, I'm missing out on a powerful surge of energy right now. (Hard to retreat with 3 kids around)

I missed me

2006-07-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Did u?

Wow, has it really been almost a month??? I can't believe it. Sorry I haven't been around much, life's been a little hectic lately. Plus, it's been busy at work, which is where I normally get online.

I hope all my blog friends are doing well and I know I haven't been around to your blogs so long, I'm so far behind and I apologize. I miss ya'll (said with true Texan accent). So here goes, I'm going to try to do a quick update.

My sister - in jail, likely for up to 75 more days then it's off to treatment facility, yay! We visit her every Sunday 35 miles away, I'm always needing to write her a letter, call her lawyer, call her bail bondsmen, call her boyfriend, get her money, give her money, send her money, pay my outrageous phone bill, call her friend for money, send her books, it never ends.
My mom - my mom had back/neck surgery on the 13th was released on the 15th, re-admitted on 16th and re-released on 20th. worry, worry, worry. I visited her as much as possible 30 minutes away, take my girlfriend back and forth to school at night so I have the car. get to sleep around midnight. my mom is out now but could possibly be going back. She's been coughing a lot, to the point where she can't keep anything down.
Kids - 13 year old's good friend was in town visiting family so i've been running her all over, back and forth, up and down. 13 and attitude... need i say more?
EX - had to have another discussion with him last week about custody of the kids. He thinks they would be better off with him full time. Go figure. Asshole.
I was on vacation last week and a good friend of mine, I'll call her Turtle, came to visit (had to prepare house while 3 kids are running around, impossible) She came in on Sunday, as soon as I picked her up have to drive 13 year old 2 hours away so she can then be taken 5 hours away to visit with her Nana and cousin for the month of July (at least i don't have to drive her all the way there). Anyway, I had a wonderful vacation. We did so many things, yet it was relaxing at the same time. We stayed up all ours of the night and slept in each day, we went gambling in Shreveport (C was the only winner of that trip with $200 on the penny slots), Turtle and C got tattoos, did a little sight seeing, went tubing on the lake (Ouch! boy we were sore the next day), went to the waterpark and rode the SkyCoaster (that was the coolest!!!), went to the horse races, drove to Houston and went clubbing, stayed up all night watching the sunrise on the Canal in Galveston, and loved every minute of it!!! I definitely need more vacations like that.

Escape

2006-06-13T07:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, first of all I think blogger was having a nervous breakdown (perhaps a hormonal imbalance?). So my apologies to everyone who thought I fell off the face of the earth. I didn't (although I'd like to take a flying leap off, we'll get into that later). I didn't even realize it was missing until a friend pointed it out to me. So, here I am... safe and sound (well sort of).

This is one of the many times in my life where my overwhelming need to escape has come on with such crushing force (I think it's hereditary). All I wanted to do last night was escape. Escape from my home, my neighborhood, the car, my environment, just my whole damn life. I felt like a claustrophobic locked in a tunnel.

Ok, here, I will try to explain. My oldest daughter and my niece went to El Paso with C's mom for a couple of weeks. I was really surprised when my daughter agreed to go because after the last time, she said she would never go back. My niece has lived with them before and everyone (including my sister) sees that they play favorites to my niece. Well last night I got home to a "surprise". They were home. My daughter just really wanted to come home, she said she missed us. Never really complained about the trip other than being bored at times. She really seemed to handle herself maturely and seemed proud of herself. She even told us about a conversation her and my niece had that she was really excited to relay to us. Remember that my daughter has had a hard time dealing with my relationship with C. My niece pointed out that there was room for C to move back home with her mom and it made my daughter realize that she doesn't want her to leave. She has grown to like her being there and would miss her. I know C and I's hearts both filled with pride as she relayed the story to us. She made us laugh as she topped the story off with "See, I don't need counseling anymore".

C, her mom, and I all went out to dinner. It started out fine (a little uncomfortable). She had "jokingly" complained about my daughter off and on. So I asked her if she was really that bad. The rest of the time I had to hear about poor niece and evil daughter. I know them both, hell dealt with them both and they both have their own issues. Neither is any worse than the other.

***Well, there was a whole lot more to this post but it seems blogger is taking aim at me today and after saving my draft, I came back and this was all there was. Perhaps that's fate's way of telling me I've bitched long enough and I just need to get over it.***

Ok, so here's a question for you...

My weekend

2006-06-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

I had an amazing weekend. Do you know that it has been over a year since I have had the house to myself? Or that C and I have never before now been able to spend a weekend without anyone else around? Well this was that weekend. My oldest daughter and my niece went out of town to visit at Grandma for a few weeks. Of course, my sister is still in jail/treatment facility. My mom went to spend the weekend with her boyfriend and my youngest two were at their dad's. Wow! The whole house to ourselves, no interruptions, no distractions, nothing! Let me just say, it was bliss.

As soon as I found out that we would have the house to ourselves over the weekend I told C not to make plans for Saturday night. It was time I put my romantic side to work. So Friday night my BFF and I went all over town gathering some things to aid in the evening I had planned. We drove all the way out to north Dallas and when we were done shopping, we headed back out to the car. Only problem was BFF locked her keys in the car. So she called her husband and while trying to explain to him where we are, her phone dies. So here we are just sitting in the parking lot joking around not letting this unfortunate turn of events ruin our time hanging out. Of course we got some very curious looks, but who cares!

Finally a security guard drove by and I chased him down. He had a slim jim and helped us out. So 40 minutes after walking out of the mall we are back on the road. Problem now is BFF's phone is dead and the directions to the next place we wanted to go where sent to her phone. Oh well, at least I was smart enough to write the phone number down and take it with us. I had a vague idea of where this place was but we still got a little turned around. Here's how the conversation went:

Me - Ok, we went to far. Pull over at this gas station and I will call them from the pay phone

BFF - I have no idea where we are. How do you know we went to far?

Me - Because the the jail is 2 blocks down this street.

At this point we just kind of look at her and laugh that unfortunately, I've been to the jail often enough to use it as a point of reference. Go figure!

So by the time Saturday rolled around I was ready to spend some quality time with my sweetie. We went to the movies and saw The DaVinci Code. (I really enjoyed the movie, although of course, the book was better) Then we headed to the deli, grabbed some sandwiches and had a picnic. The rest of the evening progressed quite smoothly, with lots of much needed quality time and some really good conversation. She walked into our room to 35 candles softly illuminating it and a tray of fruit (strawberries, blueberries, cantaloupe, grapes, honeydew mellon), chocolate, and whip cream. Hmmm... it was heaven!

In honor of Blogging for LGBT Families Day

2006-06-01T07:15:00.000-05:00

In honor of Blogging for LGBT Families Day I want to share some of my story as the mother of 3 great kids, ages 13, 5, and 3. Some of this information I have shared before. The focus of this post is mostly about my oldest daughter and the struggle my coming out has been for her and a little about how her father and I co-parent her. I have not been out to my family for very long at all. One year ago this month I separated from my husband and started the steps I needed to take to end that marriage legally, physically, and spiritually. We share custody of our children equally, one week at a time. Within 6 months of my separation I fell in love with a woman. As you can imagine, this has been hard for my 13 year old. At a time when she is struggling with puberty and coming into her own sexuality, not only is her world rocked with the separation of her parents but now her mom is in love with a woman. Unfortunately, her father has not been very, um... we'll say... mature about the whole thing and that just puts her in an even more difficult position. Not wanting to hurt him by trying to accept my life and my choices, she often finds herself at a loss of words. There were many talks between my daughter and I, and my ex and I, but they just seemed to go round and round. After one particularly big blow up, the three of sat down together and said some things that weren't so easy for us to say. My daughter was able to tell her father just how hard it is for her to answer his questions about life at my house because she doesn't want to hurt him. I aired my daughters fear that if she were in some way happy in my home that it would be a betrayal to her father. Turns out those fears were based in some facts. But in hearing how it was tearing her up, he realized that it was not fair of him to put those kinds of expectations on her. As angry, hurt, and upset as he is about my life and my choices, when it all gets boiled down, he really does want her to be happy and is accepting that it is important for her to find some kind of balance and happiness in both of our homes. I was shocked just how much my daughter needed that confrontation in front of both of us. It took away her anxieties about betraying one parent behind their back to the other since we were both present, it really freed her up to talk about some things that even I didn't realize were bothering her. It greatly improved her attitude around home and her willingness to accept my life. My hope is that one day, she will look back on this time in our lives and be proud of who I am and that I stood for what was right for me. I want to be a role model for her. As she gets older I want her to know that it's ok to stand for what she wants and what is right for her, despite what other people think. There is such power in knowing yourself and being true to that knowledge, that's what I wish for her.

Jail and Sex

2006-05-31T10:25:00.000-05:00

Ok, so much has been going on that I haven't had a lot of time to just sit down and write actual content about my life.

So, my sister had court last week in New Braunfels for her sentencing hearing. Yours truly provided taxi service. Honestly, I didn't mind, I really do love spending time with my sister. Court was scheduled for Tuesday morning and I really hoped it didn't take all day for them to get to her. It's about a 4 hour drive from where we live so we drove down the night before and got a hotel room. Austin is on the way so we stopped in and had a few drink on 6th street. I love going out with my sister, she is possibly the funnest person. I'm really glad we got to spend that time together because the next morning the judge ordered her to go into a 6 week treatment facility and she was taken into custody right then. I talked to her probation officer and I've heard good things about this program so I hope it helps her. In the meantime we are just writing back and forth, keeping in touch that way. I already miss her so much!

In other news, my mom has a boyfriend! I'm so excited for her, I just hope that he doesn't hurt her. She is eager to have a good relationship with a worthy man. Unfortunately I got way more information than I wanted when C decided to ask her about her weekend.

C - Is he good in bed?

me - (jaw on the floor) I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT!

mom - (simutaneouly and emphatically) Yes he is! It's been a long time.

me - (before I could stop myself) how long has it BEEN?

mom - 11 years

me - WTF!?!? (other than that I was speechless)

How the hell do you go 11 years without sex? I mean really? Is that possible or perhaps my mom just has superhuman strength?

REMINDER: Tomorrow is Blogging for LGBT Families

2006-05-31T08:05:00.000-05:00

This is an awesome idea that Dana over at Mombian. June 1st, the date exactly between Mother's day and Father's day and the first day of Pride month. I hope everyone will join me in participating in this wonderful event. Go check out how to participate in Blogging for LGBT Families Day.

This gave me chills

2006-05-22T09:39:00.000-05:00

Watching this video totally gave me chills.

Pink performs Dear Mr President Live in NYC. It's a controversial song from her new album that all people should hear.

Go check it out here.

Celebrity Look Alike

2006-05-19T10:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I totally stole this from Syd. See which celebrity you most look like at myHeritage.

I agree with Syd, I'm not sure how much I agree with these results. But try it anyway and tell me your results

Here are mine:

Adja Pekkan - 60%
Heather Locklear - 56%
Linda Evangelista - 56%
Jayne Mansfield - 52%
Maggie Cheung - 51%
Mariah Carey - 50%

History #3

2006-05-19T08:21:00.000-05:00

The plan was for me to stay with my best friend until my mom got her own place. I liked living there. Her mom was so cool. I really think this is where my life took a big turn. Not to say that I didn't make some unwise choices even after moving in with them. But I believe it would've been much worse. Think back to when you were growing up. While at your friend's house, would you ever disrespect or talk back to their parents? I know I wouldn't, and I didn't. That was a change for me. I learned to respect her mother and admire her. She never resented the extra burden of having another teenager in the house. She never asked my mom for anything. Everything she did for her own daughter she did for me. She was by no means financially well off. However, we never went without the things we needed, nor many of the things that we wanted. She took over the responsibility for me as if I had been born to her. I fell in love with her as a mother over those next 3 years. I love her with a passion that can only be felt for very few people in life. She loved me when she didn't have to, she made a choice to. I saw from an outside view the struggles she faced raising now 2 teenage girls. She showed me compassion and unconditional love and taught me to see it in my mom. It was so easy for me to get into a self-pitying mode with my mother because I wasn't in a position where I could take a step back and really look at the situation.

So eventually I did start to rebel in my own ways. My best friend got pregnant when we were 14 and I ended up pregnant at 15. My best friend's daughter was only a few months old when I found out I was pregnant. I saw how much my friend's mother struggled to care for her new granddaughter as well as us and decided to move back with my mom. I really wanted to be with my mom during this time and so off I went.

My mom was living in Missouri at the time.

Now I know my ABC's

2006-05-16T09:12:00.000-05:00

Ok, I thought this would be fun so I stole it from Sassy.

The ABCs of Me

Accent: Texas Twang
Booze: I like Apple Martinis, Smirnoff Green Apple, Jager Bombs and shots of Chocolate Cake.
Chore I Hate: Yard work
Dog or Cat: Neither, although I like both cats and dogs. I just couldn't possibly handle the responsibility of yet another living creature.
Essential Electronics: cell phone, computer
Favorite Cologne: Truth by Calvin Klein
Gold or Silver: Silver
Hometown: born in Aurora, IL but mostly raised in Arlington, TX.
Insomnia: When I'm really stressed out. Otherwise I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow.
Job Title: Policy Maintenance Trainer.
Kids: 3, my oldest daughter just turned 13, I have a son in the middle and he's 5, and my youngest daughter is 3.
Living Arrangements: Sometimes it seems like a zoo. My family lives with me. It's my girlfriend and I, my 3 kids, my mom, my sister, and her 10 year old daughter.
Most Admirable Traits: I don't know, I'm a very giving person.
Number of Sexual Partners: Like as in count them all up?
Overnight Hospital Stays: Several, I had pneumonia several times as a young child, I had my tonsils removed, once for a kidney infection, and 4 times for labor and delivery.
Phobias: Snakes, spiders, and being all alone (yet I crave that).
Quote: Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.
Religion: I'm spiritual but not religious.
Siblings: I have 2 brothers that I rarely see, we did not grow up together and I have one sister. We are two years apart in age, me being the older more responsible one. Her and I have a very close relationship and a deep bond although we live two totally different lives.
Time I Wake Up: 5:00 during the week and as late as possible on the weekends.
Unusual Talent or Skill: Hmmmm, I have no idea.
Vegetable I Love: Corn, green beans.
Worst Habit: Smoking
X-Rays: Of my teeth, nothing major.
Yummy Foods I Make: Texas enchiladas, Lemon herb chicken ring, Broccoli salad
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

So if you made it all the way through reading this, now it's your turn, go do it! :)

Check out Blogging for LGBT Families Day

2006-05-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I was cruising The Lesbian Lifestyle and I saw a banner for this. Of course I had to promote it!

So go check it out!!!

I don't wanna be a real life adult anymore

2006-05-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've heard so much about Grey's Anatomy from so many people. But the last straw was Geeky Dragon Girl, when she mentioned it in her post. I broke down and added it to the Netflix list. I already knew I would love it, I mean so many people do. I tried to hold out against temptation because I know how I am. I can become so obsessed with TV, it's ridiculous. Especially now that I have a DVR, I record so much stuff. Anyway, I got off track there for a minute. My point... hold on, it's around her somewhere. Oh yeah, I love the show, but that's not even the point either.

We've only watched Season 1 Disc 1 so far. BTW, does anyone know what season is on now and when is season 2 coming out on DVD?

Ok, so anyway. In one of the episodes (forgive me if I get any of the facts wrong) Dr. Grey starts out kind of narrating about responsibility, but there's a comment that she makes towards the end that I just loved. Another doctor asks her if she's ok and she says something like "When did we become adults? and how do we make it stop"

If anyone can answer that question for me, specifically the part about making it stop, that would be GREAT! Because right about now this adulthood shit SUCKS!

Happy Birthday to DD#1

2006-05-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I this is a little late. I actually started this on Friday.

A letter to my oldest daughter:

Wow, I can't believe it's been 13 years since I began my life as a mother. It's been an amazing 13 years and I have cherished every moment of it. I remember when my mom used to tell me she loved me and I would say it back to her. Every once in awhile she would look at me as though she could see to the depths of my soul and she would tell me "You'll never know how much I love you." Ok, so I thought she was weird, I was like "yeah, ok mom". But 13 years ago today, I realized what she meant. You will never understand how much I love you until you have children of your own. You will love many people, in different ways, and some even very deeply, but the love you have for your children is like no other love you will ever experience. It was comforting to think back to when my mom would say those that to me and realize just what she meant by it, to know that I was loved as much as I now love you. I never thought about the love I have for you before I had children. It wasn't something I could ever have possible understood even existed. Once I felt that, I couldn't imagine ever loving someone that much. But I did, I love your brother and sister just like that too. But it's different with each one of you. For you, you were my first born, there will never ever be another first born for me. I was able to love you selfishly for the first 18 months of your life. I didn't have to share you with anyone. As hard as it was to be a single parent, I cherish that time when it was you and I. Then I got to share you with your father, I didn't realize how much I wanted someone to share your achievements with. It was so much fun to be able to tell him what new thing you did and know and be able to see that he was every bit as excited about it as I was. My love for you only grew from being able to share that with someone else. You and I have a special bond, I hope you understand how much you mean to me even though I know that won't be possible until you have that love for a child. May you live the life you dream of baby. You truly are a unique young lady and I love you so very much. Happy Birthday!

Letting go

2006-05-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

After 11 months of seperation he still wants to get back together. Today we were discussing a few childcare issues and my inability to place my kids in childcare while they are with me. It's not a big problem right now because my mom watches them for me. Anyway, he pops off and says "That's why we should've worked it out". It makes me so sad every time he says something about it, which isn't very often anymore, but still. I know I made the right choice for me, but he is having a hard time letting go. I'm not sure why, probably an accumilation of things, but it made me cry when he said that. I don't like knowing how much I've hurt him and I don't want to continue to hurt him by having to discuss it, so I just didn't say anything. I wish he would move on but I know it's hard.

Shitty day

2006-05-03T09:38:00.000-05:00

I've had a really bad headache for 3 days, my neck hurts, I'm exhausted, and I started.

Random ramblings

2006-05-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been relatively quiet around my house. My sister is still in jail, we've gone to visit her and enjoyed seeing her again. I miss her, as much of a headache as she could be, I really do miss her.

The current trauma of the household is my oldest daughter's birthday is Friday, she is supposed to be having a dance in our backyard... problem is, it's supposed to rain. So I guess we will have to postpone it. Sucks!

Other than that, let's see... C is doing well in school so far, they even had their first field trip. They went to the mall for their field trip, all in all it took them about an hour. So they got out of class about 3 1/2 hours early and ended up going to Hooter's afterwards to drink free beer. Ok, when the hell did school get fun like that. Maybe I should go back?! The hours are hard on her but she's handling it like a champ! I tell you what, this whole working full time and going to school full time is really KILLING my sex life! Arrrggghhhh!!!

In other news... we now have neighbors. That. Is. Not. A. Good. Thing. I've gotten used to not having any neighbors beside me. We live in a duplex and have had it all to ourselves, well our half anyway. But we didn't have to worry about where we parked our cars, or how we parked them. Just shit like that. I don't think the dad can talk without yelling. He was yelling er, I mean asking me about my electricity and started going off in a rant about the electricity companies. Wasn't here 2 hours and was mumbling something about wanting to go back to the country, he said there are too many bills, too many people, and too many policy. I say TYA!

Hmmm, I guess that's it. Just kind of boring, day to day stuff.

Bodyscapes

2006-04-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last Saturday we went downtown to the Main Street Art Festival. Wow, it was really cool. We saw amazing paintings, glass work, photographs, sculptures, and other things I'm not sure how to qualify. My favorite was Bodyscapes. They are photographs, much like landscapes, but using the human body instead. Some of these are amazing! I definitely plan to own a few. Problem is deciding which ones I like most! Go check it out and let me know what you think.

Dirty Little Secret

2006-04-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

Ok, so now I can't get that song out of my head. Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys about a forum, open to women only, that I've joined. This is the first forum that I've ever even been to but I think I'm getting the hang of things. It's very interesting and we are certainly a diverse group of women from all over the world. So come check it!

Friends don't let friends ride bulls drunk

2006-04-25T07:46:00.000-05:00

So I went out to the local country bar with BFF, her husband, and BFF's friend from work (we'll call her R) Friday night. I'm not a big country music fan but BFF and her husband are, plus I do enjoy two stepping and BFF's husband is the best! R decided to take on the mechanical bull. She was so cute up there, trying to figure out how to hold on to the damn thing. She stayed on for quite awhile, I was impressed. But inevitably she fell off. We laughed and high five'd and returned to our table. I went out to dance and when I came back BFF was white as a sheet and told me R cut her knee when she fell off. Poor BFF, she has a very weak stomach, just hearing about it was making her sick. BFF sent R and C off to the bathroom to get a better look. As they passed me R leaned in and whispered "They think I'm really hurt but it's just a rug burn". A rug burn that landed her in the emergency room getting staples, pain killers, and a splint to immobolize her leg. We had fun cuttin up in the waiting room, bless her heart she was a really good sport. BFF sent her hubby and C back with R because there is no way BFF could handle that scene. So R is in some pain now but says that the bull will not win, she is getting back on him. We will be there to support her in her mission to conquer the bull. You go girl!

Today is the day

2006-04-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

10 months, it's just 10 months.

Today C starts school. Her schedule be 6:00 am to 3:00 pm work, 6:00 pm to 11:00 pm school. The next 10 months are going to be hell. The only time I will even see her is Saturday evening and Sunday. Plus I get the supreme pleasure of waking her up each morning. Trust me that is NO easy task. Wish me luck!

3 day weekend

2006-04-17T06:49:00.000-05:00

At some point there has to some end in sight. Right? I had a 3 day weekend so things should have been good. Right? Where did it all go wrong?

Friday - I had to get up early to take C to work and figured I might as well get some things done. I got my oil changed, a little overdue. Then went to get my tire replaced. I've been riding on a donut for about a week now. Turns out my other back tire was just has bad. So, I replaced them both. Spent way more than I had imagined. But then again, what do I know about this shit. NOTHING! Of course as soon as I have it done my BFF and my sister tell me, you should've gone here or you should've gone there, where it would have been much cheaper. DAMN! Where the hell were you two all week. Obviously no one felt the need to hand out their advice BEFORE I got the tires replaced. Just my luck!

Saturday - This day started out just as early. My phone rings at 4:45 am. Who is it? Why my sister of course. Why is she calling so early in the morning? She's in jail. Now you know this was hard for me to believe. I mean my sister never gets in any trouble. Ha! Great. Not only do I not have the money to bail her out, I don't want to. I'm tired of forking over money to help her out of the situations she gets herself into. Then I feel guilty because she would do it for me. But she's never had to. I've been bailing her out of some kind of trouble all her life. I do it because she really is a good person and I'm an eternal optimist, always believing she will get her life straight. Her problem is every time she gets through one obstacle she relaxes instead of going out there and tackling the next thing to start to pull herself out of the pit. So this poses a whole new set of problems. She took the girls to school each morning. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out how I'm going to manage that. Just my luck!

Sunday - We had a pretty good Easter considering the circumstances. I tried not to stress out about this new development and enjoy the day. My kids were so excited about the Easter bunny coming I think they were up before the crack of dawn. We went to my GF's sister's to visit and then cooked hamburgers on the grill. The ex picked the kids up at 4:30 for his week and I got to spend evening just relaxing. We watched Derailed on DVD and headed to bed.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Chaos

2006-04-13T19:02:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get that feeling where you just want to sit down and cry “I just wanna go home”? Like you’re away at some awful summer camp, counting down the days until you can return to the safety and security of home. Only, you are home. The very place you want to flee is supposed to be the safe haven you naturally seek. Sometimes I feel like I simply can not go on like this anymore, as if I will literally burst at the seams if I have to carry on one more day, one more moment. Then I think of all the things that would fall to ruin if I weren’t here to keep the juggling act going and the fear that it would only be worse when I returned. To have to clean up the mess my absence has caused. I can’t even enjoy the very people with the power to make me feel better. There’s never enough time without distraction. My life has become a yo-yo, or maybe rollercoaster is a better description, barely recovering from the hard climb before free falling back down, only to have to climb once again. It’s become this cycle of ups and downs that seem unbearable at times. But that’s life right? I mean that is what life is about… the good and the bad, the easy and the tuff, the giggles and the tears, the fun and the work. Without the bad how could wbe enjoy the good, really appreciate it? So for now, I’m just looking forward to the time when the good, easy, giggling fun outweighs the bad, tuff, tearful, work.

Daddy 911

2006-04-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

A situation happened last night that made me feel very under-qualified as a parent. Here is the conversation that ensued involving my 5 year old son TurtleBug, my sister Beanie Lou Lou, and the ex.

BLL - Your son is yelling for you, something is wrong with his (insert name for boy's private area).

Me - (I go into the bathroom where he is taking a shower) What's wrong TB?

TB - (standing there soaking wet, holding himself) My (insert name for boy's private area) hurts.

Me - Um, ok. Let me see if it is red.

TB - I can't, it hurts.

Me - (After a few rounds of this I leave the bathroom and head to my bedroom)

BLL - What are you going to do?

Me - Uh, I don't know about boy parts! I'm calling his dad. Duh! (as I grab my cell phone)

I mean what was I supposed to do. I was at a total lost! I really had no idea what to do. I mean what the hell kind of problems do boys have? I'm clueless. Um... suddenly dealing with a PMSing, hormonal, almost 13 year old raving lunatic (at times, well it does seem that way) isn't so bad. At least I was there at one time.

The right path?

2006-04-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

I think I took that step yesterday Zoe.

My sister accused me of trying to make everyone else happy. I think she was right. Maybe I was allowing myself to be disrespected because I felt like it was my penance (is that the right word?) But I stood and had a talk with all 3 of them.

My daughter - I told her flat out that I would no longer accept her disrespect of me or anyone else in our home. I laid down the consequences for such behavior. I told her that if she had problems or issues I am more than willing to discuss them with her, but she will have to do it in a respectful manner. We went on to have a very good, respectful conversation. One down, two to go.

My ex - I told him what I discussed with our daughter and then I told him that it went for him too. I would no longer accept him disrespecting me either. I told him that he shouldn't say anything to me that he wouldn't let his children hear him say. If he could not conduct himself in a respectful manner, I would shut off our communication. We would have to parent the children on our own without the support of each other. Two down, one to go.

My girl - I told her about the two previous conversations and then told her that I needed her to be more of a support to me. That I need her to stand beside me not behind me.

I know that none of this solves anything but perhaps I am on the road to a more "balanced" life. Yeah right!

Very Interesting

2006-04-12T15:16:00.000-05:00

I was reading a blog that I frequent when I came across a reference to a very important post which pointed to a very interesting site. (is that confusing?) Anyway, thank you Syd for posting this link. Had you not, I probably never would have seen it (and I never would have found the very witty New York Ex, I'll definitely be going back there!)

Go check it out!

Alternate universe

2006-04-11T08:00:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I feel like my life has entered an alternate universe. I got in another fight with my daughter last night. My sisters daughter is 3 years younger and my daughter can be so mean to her. Of course if I hold my daughter accountable for her actions and words then I am taking my niece's side. Then I hear "Everyone loves the niece more, everyone takes the niece's side" She thinks everyone hates her. I tried to explain that it's not that everyone hates her and asked her to look at the possibility that perhaps it's because she is carrying so much anger around and lashing out at everyone.

I know she is going through so much. But I really can't stand to hear her tell me how much she hates me or how I've ruined her life by leaving her dad or how her dad doesn't deserve me, that I'm not good enough for him. She has created this memory of what our relationship was like, as if it were perfect and has left out all the fighting and arguing her father and I did. My sister reminded her the other day of conversations they had in which my daughter would cry and ask my sister "Why does my mom stay with my dad, he's so mean."

I've made mistakes. A lot of them. Some of those in the last year. Some pertaining to everything that is bothering her right now. I can't change that. I'm taking responsibility for my mistakes, my choices, I don't hide from it. I stand up and face it. I'm doing the best I can. She has a right to be upset, I certainly don't blame her. She's had to deal with some fucked up shit. But what I'm trying to get her to understand is that it IS what it is. I'm not going to leave my relationship because she doesn't like it. I want to be an example to her that you go after what is right for yourself even if it's not conventional or it's not main stream. Then I have to listen to her father tell me that I'm being selfish and I'm not putting my children first. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

He can not stand the relationship I'm in. I understand that. I don't expect him to ever accept it or condone it. I just ask him to not put his feelings onto our kids. My daughter is so afraid that if she starts accepting my home the way it is, or has fun with us, then she is betraying her father. I want him to give her the freedom to make her own choices. The 3 of us sat down to discuss all this and I found out that he asks her things that make her uncomfortable or makes comments that makes her uncomfortable. Like asking where I'm at and if C is with me. He asks her who shoes she has on, or whose clothes she has on and if they're C's he gets mad. He said it feels like a betrayal to him. I was like "Over some shoes?" I tried to explain to him that there are 4 women (my daughter, my sister, my girlfriend, and myself) that all wear each others clothes, it's really not that uncommon and that if she is wearing C's shoes it certainly isn't meant to be a betrayal to him. In the end he agreed to try to stop taking things so personal and to work on allowing our daughter to make up her own mind.

The screaming match ended with my sister interfering. She couldn't stand it any longer. While she tried explaining to my daughter that she is "killing" me, I called her dad to come over. (Nobody seems to realize that I'm desperate if I'm calling him to help me deal with her on this issue. It just opens me up to have to deal with him being judge and jury over my life) After the phone call I was sent to my room (by my sister). C was there for me to hold me in her arms and tell me how sorry she was that my daughter was hurting me. After a few minutes my daughter came out to talk to me. While I was talking to her my sister had to go take care of something for a friend and she says "Do you mind if C goes with me". So C left me, couldn't even be there to help me pick up the pieces that the ex and the daughter have left me in. I was so hurt. I wanted her to have told my sister "No, I can't go. Unbalanced needs me." So I went to bed. Alone. Devastated.

Then I wake up at 2:17 this morning and she's not there. It scared me. I got up, looked outside, both cars were there. So I go up to my sisters room and there they are. Hanging out. While my world is being turned upside down, she's chillin', hanging out. I told her that I did not feel important to her at all. She said she's going to make it up to me. How can you make something like that up to someone. I needed her last night. Her being there tonight is not going to help the despair I felt last night. I just laid in bed and cried for over an hour. I felt like I have been on the front lines of a war. Fighting “our” battle. And she totally abandoned me. I was looking back over the arguments with the ex and my daughter and then looking at how she just left me, asking myself “Is this what I’m fighting for?”

So many times over the last few weeks I have felt like it would just be so much easier if I ended it or let her end it. I mean I’m the one out there fighting the fight. I have felt so disconnected to her that I struggle with the question “Is it worth it? But what about my happiness? What about what I want? Do I fucking count for anything???

Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough and just brought all those emotions back to the surface.

Disclaimer: There's a lot I'm not putting into this post about my situation. When and if I reveal some of the harder things to grasp in this situation, I want to be able to tell the story behind it. I don’t know maybe that will make it better somehow.

I am so partied out

2006-04-10T06:41:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend. Friday night was my girlfriend's last night to work overnight, now she's on the day shift! That in itself is great news.

Work Friday was an easy day. I only work 5 hours on Fridays and spent 4 of those in a First Aid/CPR class. Not a bad way to spend a work day, definitely could come in handy one day. Friday night I had plans to go out with a new friend, 'Cole. She's from TN, just moved here about 6 months ago to take a job. Her girlfriend and 3 other friends came to visit for the weekend and we hit the town. Her friends were a trip! I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. We went to some new places I hadn't been too. Didn't get home 'til 4:30 in the morning. Shit I'm gettin too old for that.

Saturday we ran around all day, grocery shopping, taking kids here and there, just running errands. We planned to spend a quiet night at home, watching a movie. We had just settled down when 'Cole called, she needed us to bring something over to her. They were getting ready to go out and talked us into going. Oh man these girls were cracking us up! So we rushed home to get ready and headed back downtown. Had another great time and possibly drank too much. Got home about 4:00.

Sunday my sister woke us up around noon; time to get started on my niece's birthday party. I picked up my kids; my girlfriend and all the kids headed out to the lake and my sister and I headed to the store. We cooked out, drank beer, played volleyball, and I stayed away from the water. It was a beautiful day but no way was going anywhere near the cold water. We came home and went to bed early. All in all, it was an awesome weekend!

21 Firsts

2006-04-06T14:40:00.000-05:00

21 Firsts...

1. Who was your first prom date? My best friend and I went stag together
2. Who was your first roommate(s)? The same best friend I went to prom with
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Screwdrivers... and playing quarters is not a very wise thing to do the very first time you experiment. I didn't think I was feeling the effects at all until I stood up and promptly passed out.
4. What was your first job? Babysitting.
5. What was your first car? 1996 Berretta
6. When did you go to your first funeral? A few years ago, the husband of a co-worker passed away and we went. I've been lucky to not have lost anyone close to me and I hope I don't, at least for a very long time.
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I've not moved away as an adult. We moved a lot when I was a kid, but I always wanted to come back here.
8. Who was your first grade teacher? I don't remember. I went to sooo many different schools, they became a blur.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? When I was 15, I flew to Missouri to see my mom. It was like 6 o'clock in the morning when my flight left and I was alone and so scared. I had an aisle seat and when the plane started to taxi I moved to the window. One guy who was sitting in front of me turned around and told me I was not allowed to switch seats, it would throw off the balance of the plane. I was so nervous that I believed him and started to move. I think the look on my face made him feel bad, he immediately apologized for his "bad" joke and turned around sheepishly. I went back to the window seat, I didn't want to miss a thing.
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I don't even remember the first time, I snuck out a lot. I remember one time, I was living with one of my best friend during high school. She had just had a baby a few months before and wasn't able to just sneak out anymore. So one night when I snuck out she told her mom. Her mom was waiting for me when I snuck back in.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? My first best friend was Tisha, we met in junior high and shortly after that I moved in with her. I lived with them for 3 years, until I got pregnant with my daughter. Sometime after that we started drifting apart, going down different roads in our lives. I still kept in touch with her mother, boy did I love her. She was the greatest. We ended up losing touch about 8 years ago, but reconnected last September. I went to visit them, I got to see Tisha, but really my connection is with her mom. During the summer that I got pregnant with my oldest I met my second best friend. We are still very close and see each other at least a few times a week.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? I lived in a group home for children.
13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? my best friend
14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? I was a junior bride's maid in my "big sister's" wedding.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Hit the snooze button.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to? NKOTB baby! (New Kids On The Block).
17. First tattoo or piercing? I don't remember how old I was when I got my ears pierced. I was 24 when I got my tongue pierced and I got my first tattoo on the day of my 18th birthday.
18. First celebrity crush? Joey from NKOTB.
19. Age of first kiss? I don't remember my first kiss.
20. First crush? Don't remember that either. (Boy either my memory is getting really bad or I've blocked a lot of things, lol)
21. First time you did drugs? Again I don't remember. (hmmm, maybe that's what happened to my memory)

Okay blog friends, tag yourselves. Let me know if you do it!

Cry me a river

2006-04-06T10:19:00.000-05:00

Oh my! I really don't like that song. I don't know why it is in my head.

Anyway, I have been so emotional lately and I'm getting headaches everyday. My girlfriend thinks it's stress related and she's probably right. There just never seems to be enough time or money. I'm struggling a lot with my oldest daughter. Most teenagers tell their parents that they hate them at one point or another. I know that. I just kind of brushed it off the first time or two, I know she says it out of anger. But when she stands in your face and calmly and defiantly tells you that she hates you and because of you she hates all gay people, that's tuff. She's usually so open-minded, yet she doesn't just hate me, but hates what I am.

We used to have such a close relationship and I want that back. So I thought maybe it's time I get her into some counseling, to help her learn how to deal with all the troubles in her life right now. So I called and made her an appointment. Now I'm worried I might have made a rash decision. Not about putting her in counseling, but in choosing who to take her too. I'm not sure why I feel like that. My daughter and I both went in together and gave some background info, then they talked alone. Sitting in the waiting room I started questioning myself. What do I really know about this person? What is her approach to her patients? What are her beliefs and how do they play into her work? OMG my head was reeling. I still don't know if I made the right decision, but I am going to speak with her privately and ask these questions. Why I didn't before, I have no idea.

We made it

2006-04-05T07:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back. The trip was fine. We overestimated how long it was going to take us to get there so we ended up with about 2 1/2 hours of time to kill. We stopped on the way and visited a few tourist attractions. It was fun, my sister and I don't get to spend a lot of time together so it was nice.

My sister was so worried that she was going back to jail, but those fears proved to be unwarranted. Turns out this was kind of an interview process. The probation officer has to write a report to the judge giving the departments recommendation of whether they think she should be on probation. Hopefully he feels she is a worthy.

Twelve hours later we returned home. Exhausted, but glad to be home.

Meaningless rambling

2006-04-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

I'm off on a road trip tomorrow, unfortunately not for fun though. I get to drive my sister 5 hours away to her probation office. She hasn't even been sentenced yet, but I guess she has to go show all her paperwork. Once she gets sentenced she will be able to transfer the probation to our local county and then there will be no more trips. Yipee!

My girlfriend went back to work last night. Her boss says one more week and then she can go to days. This sucks! She only has 2 weeks until she starts school, so she will have to go to days by then. This is going to be a very trying time in our life; only seeing each other for a few minutes a day. But we will have to get thru it somehow.

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever settle down. Or is THIS the settled down pace of my life. I guess it could always be worse.

My daughter is failing 2 classes again today. Arrgghhhh!

I'm tired, I just want to go back to bed today.

My girlfriend's brother finally left Sunday around noon. I was getting really worried that she was trying to move him in here. That's all we need!

Anyway, I'm off to do some work. Blah, blah, blah...

My world is right again

2006-03-30T07:15:00.000-06:00

She's home safe and sound. It was really nice having her home and going to sleep in her arms last night. Awww bliss. Turns out she was really homesick night before last when she text me. The accumulation of the homesickness and the stress of all that her parents are going thru right now just got a little too much for her. Anyway, I'm really glad she's back.

In other news... My best friend's family has court today. Her husband is adopting her first born from a previous relationship. The husband has been in this boys life since he was 4 months old and I don't think he could love him any more than he does. I'm so happy for them!

This is starting out to be a great day all around. Let's hope it stays that way.

Worry

2006-03-29T07:11:00.000-06:00

I'm worried about my girlfriend. About 3 o'clock this morning she text me these messages:

3:13 am I wish I had never come here

3:18 am All I know is when I got here I was fine and just 4 days I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I just want it all to end.

She went home to visit her parents. There is a lot of stuff going on there, I'll try to sum it up. She has a brother that is 5 years older than her and he has a 7 or 8 year old son, they live at home. The parental rights of the son's mother have been taken away and now the parental rights of the son's father (my girlfriend's brother) are in jeopardy. Child Protective Services have been involved for almost a year now. The brother has failed repeated hair follicle drug tests and eventually was sent to rehab. He's been out of rehab for a couple of weeks but the dad suspected that he was using again. The dad ended up going to stay with his brother for a few days. The mom receives a call at work from CPS telling her that the brother needs to report immediately (the dad had called and reported his suspicions). The mom told the dad that he had until Wednesday to get his stuff out. If the brother fails, not only will his paternal rights be taken away but he will not be able to be around the son. The results came in Monday and somehow he passed the hair follicle test but failed the UA. I'm not sure how that happens, or what it means. Last night I talked to C and she had spent some time with her dad and he ended up coming home with her. A good sign, I thought. Then I wake up this morning and get those text messages. I don't know what the hell has happened. Of course C is asleep and nothing wakes that girl, so I have to wait for her to call me. I'm so worried about her. Her family is so important to her, especially her mom. I know she's been worried about her being without her dad and having to raise her grandson. So I sit here, as patiently as I can, and wait.

My weekend was a bust

2006-03-27T10:59:00.000-06:00

I have been sick from the time I got off work on Friday. I hate being sick. My girlfriend left to go out of town Saturday morning so I didn't even have anyone to take care of me. Poor me. I know I'm such a baby when I'm sick and this weekend was no exception. I didn't even want to get out of bed. Unfortunately there was no one else to run the kids and my mom around to their various things so that left poor, sick me. Uggghhhhh! I hope I get better soon. (I'm sure my family does too)

I was supposed to go out Friday night with my best friend, but I ended up canceling because I just was not in a partying mood. I had plans to go out Saturday night too since I didn't have the girls this weekend. No go. When I wasn't playing taxi I kept my ass in the bed. Of course that just gave me LOTS and LOTS of time to think of C and how much I miss her. Hmmm... she will be home in a few days, then all will be good.

History #2

2006-03-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

Growing up everyone thought I would be the one to go wild. Maybe I would have had there not been an intervention. It was my 8th grade year. We lived in a large apartment complex and over time my mom had made a really good friend in her neighbor. I also made a really good friendship with a girl my age who lived in the same complex. That summer my mom decided we would move. She did this a lot, whenever things were not going well we ended up moving. This time it would be to my grandmother's (my mom's foster mother) in Illinois.

So my mom sold everything we owned that we couldn't fit in the car and off we went. I hated it. Living with my grandmother was not fun. My sister and I were BORED. There were no kids that lived on her street. We were not allowed to play our Nintendo because my grandmother did not use electricity until 6:00 at which time only one TV was allowed to be on and she had control of it. My mom was gone all day working and it being summer we were left home.

My sister's father also lives in this area so we started going to his place during the day. We could play Nintendo there and walk to the candy store. He would spend ours at the coffee shop with his friends, my sister and I would sit there and drink hot chocolate and sneak off the the bathroom to smoke cigarettes. This was much better than Grandma's house.

Until one day. About a month after we moved there, something really bad happened at his house. I was so scared but had to keep a brave face for my sister who was younger and now emotionally damaged. I was angry. I called my mom right away. I don't remember how long it took, all I know is one day this horrible thing happened and then the next thing I remember we were moving back to where we came from.

I was so relieved. I couldn't wait to move back to my friends. Thing was we didn't have a place to live anymore. So my mom talked to her friend from our old apartment complex and she said we could come stay with her. Problem was, there was already a house full of people. She had 2 kids, her sister and her kid lived there, and a grandchild. So my best friend asked her mom if I could stay with them. She agreed and I think that is where my life changed.

More later...

Bitter, Bitter, Bitter

2006-03-21T12:40:00.000-06:00

Ok wow. So my feelings were kind of hurt yesterday morning. Well not really kinda, they were definitely hurt. Try as I might, it's hard not to take personally.

First let me tell you that there are a couple of girls in my small unit who buy a lot of movies. They bring them for us all to borrow. Very giving spirits. There was a little confusion early last week when our boss returned a movie she borrowed, Elizabethtown. Seem we had 2 of them floating around, one belonging to D and one belonging to L, but the boss was sure she borrowed D's. So D takes it home end of story.

Well last week L was one of the people laid off. Unfortunately she is pretty bitter. She worked for the company for 22 years and feels betrayed I guess. I've never been laid off so I'm not sure how I would feel, but I would cherish the friendships I left behind.

While L was packing up her desk she kept forgetting things. Pictures of her dogs, pictures of her friends son, we pointed them out to her before she left and she took them but just seemed distracted. Totally understandable given the circumstances. After she left we realized that there were some other things that she left. Maybe she meant to, I'm not sure. One of the things she left I was sure she would want. Her husband works for a glass company and made her a beautiful name plate, which she left here. Also, over the weekend D realized that she now had 2 Elizabethtown DVDs, obviously the one the boss returned actually belonged to L. D called L on Saturday and left her a message letting her know she had her movie. D never recieved a callback.

So today I called L to let her know I could bring her stuff by after work, L and I live very close to each other, if today was a good day for her. Here's how the conversation went.

L: Hello

Me: Hi L, it's Unbalanced

L: Oh hi (her tone her was friendly)

Me: I was calling to see if today was a good day for me to stop by to drop off somethings you left last week.

L: Like what? (tone losing the friendliness a little)

Me: Just some little things and maybe you didn't want them. But one thing I was sure you wanted was your name plate M made for you.

L: No, that's ok. (tone now ice cold, like she would rather take the opportunity to be nasty to me rather than have her things)

Me: You don't want it?

L: No, that's ok. (again, ICE cold)

Me: Ok. Well D also brought your movie, I think she called you about it this weekend.

L: Well they sure acted like they wanted it, I tried to tell them it was mine. (not sure how to describe her tone here, sufice it to say it was anything but friendly... she acted as though the boss and D intentionally kept her movie)

Me: You don't want your movie?

L: No, that's ok. Ya'll can keep it.

Me: Ok. Um. *silence* I guess. Bye then.

L: *dial tone*

It really saddens me. I feel like I should be sympathetic to her situation. But, I didn't do this to her. If it were up to me she would not have been laid off. I really like her. She had her moments but then didn't we all. This is someone we spent time with outside of work. Someone I considered a friend. She's been to my home, I've been to hers. She would make special trick or treat bags for my kids and we would make a point to go to her house so she could give them to the kids personally. I will miss her. Especially now that I realize she does not plan on continuing our friendship now that we don't work together anymore. The whole situation is just sad and I'm sorry it has cost me a friend.

History #1

2006-03-17T20:05:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I'm going to attempt to give a little history of my life. Countless important things will be left out I'm sure, as the story does branch off into many different directions. Anyhow, here goes...

My mother was one of 12 children. One died at birth, one half of a set of twins, so there are 11 living. The youngest, a girl, was the only one raised in my grandmother's home. All the rest were spread out, I'm not even sure where some of them were raised. My mother ended up living with her father until she was 10 or 11. After being removed from his home she spent several years living in a group home which released you at age 16. At that point she was taken into a foster home. It was very strict and rarely enjoyable, but she was loved and cared for. She ended up living there into her 20's. This is the place she now considers home.

Given my mom's lack of role model as a parent I'm sure you can gather that being a parent herself was not an easy task. She ended up with 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. My brothers are older and after her divorce with their dad, his parents ended up with custody of them. Then came me and then my sister 2 years later. Incidentally, my father died in a drunk driving accident on the day my sister was born. My mom didn't really have a relationship with my father, so it's like that whole side of my history or lineage is just gone, wiped clean.

So growing up it was just my mom, my sister, and I. My mom didn't always have the capabilities of caring for us and so the cycle continued. Both my sister and I spent many years in and out of a particular group home. My sister made the rounds on a few more than I did, she also lived with an aunt for awhile. I ended up living with my best friend in junior high for 3 years.

There was abuse in all our childhoods that in many, many ways still affects us today. Somehow I broke out of this mold and started to build a foundation for my life.

More later...

A reduction of staff

2006-03-15T15:38:00.000-06:00

The company I work for has not been doing well in the past 2 1/2 years. They have laid off more than half the company. Some departments are gone completely. When I started here my department had 65 people, with 25 of those in my unit. Today 6 more people were laid off in the company; 2 from the department I work for and 1 from our unit. Bring our totals to 14 for the department and 5 for my unit. It's depressing. I've worked here 7 years. I have never worked with a group of people more amazing than these. The woman let go today has been here 21 years, she was laid off when a whole department was no longer needed 2 years ago. Before her termination date she applied for a job in our department and got laid off again. I feel so bad for her. I'm definitely having survivor guilt.

My family thinks I should look for another job for fear I will be laid off. But I have so many friends who have been laid off and have had little to no luck finding a comparable position somewhere else. It sucks to always feel like the end is just around the corner, but there don't seem to be many options out there.

The thought of leaving really saddens me. I love the people I work with. They are family to me. They are the ones I call when my life is going down the tubes. If I have a bad night, they are here every morning to help me thru it. They know more about me than most people. Coming to this job each day is like my therapy.

Goodbye Dana sniff, sniff

2006-03-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it. I mean I knew it, but was hoping otherwise. My FSHS came over last night to watch The L Word and even showed up with tissues. I can't believe Dana is dead. I'm just so sad. She was one of my favorite characters. Always making me laugh. She will be sorely missed. I'm interested to see how everyone is going to deal with this.

I'm tired of Tina. I don't feel like she has even tried to see if there is anything worth rekindling in her relationship with Bette. She got so caught up in being the main provider for the family and then throwing it in Bette's face and now she's falling for this guy. Please.

I was surprised by Carmen's confession. I can totally see why she did it without having to agree with it. It was wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right. But I think it made Shane realize what it must have felt like for Carmen.

Alice. What is going to happen to Alice now. Her best friend is gone now. They had just begun to enjoy their friendship again and Dana's gone.

I can't wait to see what will happen in the last two episodes. Then it's a LONG wait for season 4.

Kids crack me up

2006-03-14T13:15:00.000-06:00

My only son just turned 5. A few days after my argument with my sister a couple weeks ago he was asking his cousin if her mom was still kicked out. She told him no she wasn't. So he looked up with this kind of "confused, yet starting to understand look" and asked "Well, then is she kicked in?"

I laughed so hard. I can so see how that would make sense to him.

Topic of discussion between my family: My sex toys

2006-03-13T10:48:00.000-06:00

This weekend started off with a bang. My soon to be EH sent me a text messages asking that I make sure I put my toys away because my oldest daughter had seen them. Oh boy! First of all, I am not negligent with my "delicate" things. I put them up where they belong. Second of all, this is not something my daughter would talk to him about. Weird. So, I asked my daughter about it and (long story short) she talked to her aunt, who told her husband (my EH's twin), who told EH. It seems that when my daughter's long time best friend came to spend the weekend with us, she was digging in my closet. Although her friend did discover them, then showed them to my daughter, she made sure to iterate that it's normal for couples to have those, even her grandparents have them. WTF!!! TMI!!! (Snoopy, snoopy child) Well at least we weren't the only victims of this girl, she apparently has been digging in her grandparents drawers and closet.

My relationship with my girlfriend has been very hard for my husband to deal with. So you could say this was not a very comfortable piece of information for him to know. My daughter was so upset that she had inadvertently trusted someone who was now obviously not worthy. She felt like she was partly to blame for her dad hurting. I was pleasantly surprised at how mature she was about all of it though. She amazes me everyday.

My relationship has been hard for her too, and her ages doesn't help. I remember just how bad my life sucked with I was almost 13. Last night my girlfriend and I were cuddling in our bedroom listening to music and FBD (First Born Daughter) came in. She was irritated to have walked in on us showing that little bit of affection. But then later she came to me and told me that I need to do what makes me happy, even if it's not what everyone else wants. I was so proud of her. We just take it day by day... and little by little it really does get better.

Heaven

2006-03-10T09:02:00.000-06:00

Last night was a good night. My baby was off and we got to spend some much needed time together. Nothing special, but just knowing that she was right there and didn't have to run off to work. I got to fall asleep in her arms. Hmmm, it was heaven.

Shaky, yet steadying ground

2006-03-08T07:46:00.000-06:00

I thought last night would be a bust, but in the end it all worked out. I've been cautious going forward in this relationship for fear (irrational or not, I'm just not sure yet) that she might just go thru the motions and not really give 100%. Side note: Not sure if I've mentioned this but she works overnight and I work during the day. Usually I wake her up when I get home if she isn't awake already. Oh, and she is VERY hard to wake up most of the time. I'm usually home by 5:20 but didn't get home until 6:00 last night. So I get home last night and go into our room to wake her up. She doesn't budge. I leave her alone for a few minutes, but go back and try it again. Nothing. 7:00 rolls around and I try again, all the while I'm sad, I always take it personal when she doesn't wake up, like she doesn't feel it's important enough. (I know, pathetic) We have only a few short hours to see each other before she goes to work. She finally gets up a few minutes after 7, whew! But what really made it ok is that she woke up and was upset with herself because she realized how little time we had together. With a household of 8 people, 4 kids running around, dinner to be made, dishes to be washed, laundry to be put away, bills to pay, and working opposite shifts; we really only have very few opportunities to even be around each other. She apologized to me and raced to do everything she needed to do and joined me in what I needed to do, just to get a little time with me. I definitely felt validated, and not avoided (which is one of my fears). Like I said, little by little. Hopefully in 2 weeks she will be going to day shift!

Baby steps

2006-03-07T10:33:00.000-06:00

So, little by little things are getting better. I'm definitely making some big efforts to control my temper and possessive ways. I hope she can see how much I'm working for our relationship. To be honest though, it's hard. I feel so insecure now, always wondering what she's thinking, is she regretting her decisions. But I have to remind myself that my insecurities are issues I have with me, not her. She is doing a good job of being independent, not sacrificing what she wants or needs to placate me, and still letting me know I'm loved and cherished at the same time. I'm just trying to get to that point where I can be confident in myself and my abilities to show her she is loved and cherished as well.

ttfn

The death of my relationship... Almost

2006-03-06T11:01:00.000-06:00

Ok, so this weekend started early for me. I took Friday off because Thursday was almost unbearable. My relationship began almost a year ago but got serious about August. It was intense from the beginning, for many reasons, one of which is that we already lived together when our relationship started. It has been a rocky road so far. But Thursday made me realize how much I take her for granted. In true Scorpio fashion, I can be possessive and jealous, and because of past hurts and insecurities I have kept her at a distance emotionally, making her always feel she wasn't doing enough. Boy did I fuck up. About 10 o'clock Thursday night she very calmly told me that she was setting me free to be with someone who could make me happy. She said she was done trying in our relationship and always feeling like a failure.

We stayed up all night talking, crying, me trying to convince her to give me another chance, her trying to convince me that she couldn't go through another break up like this. It was absolutely horrible, heart wrenching. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Thing is, I'm a very strong person, I have been through so much in my life already and always manage to get through it with grace, strength, and perseverance. So for me to be so undone by the ending of this relationship, one I don't always act like I want to be in, seemed uncharacteristic. But I was devastated. I realized I was being so stupid. She loves me for everything that I am and with everything that she is and yet because she wasn't "perfect" I constantly made her feel unworthy. I regret it so much. I can't believe I've been such an ass. The worst part... I somehow morphed into my (soon to be) Ex-husband and she morphed into me (all strength and maturity). I know exactly how it feels to be in her position and I hated it.

She asked me to give her a few days to think about things. As hard as it was; I shut up and just let her think. In 41 hours I only slept for an hour and half, I didn't eat for 2 days. I just had no desire to do either. Luckily she decided to give us another chance. Whew! I want to take every day to let her know how much I love her. I just hope I don't fail her.

Looking forward to tonight

2006-03-02T16:10:00.000-06:00

I can't wait! My baby is off tonight! We work opposite shifts right now and don't get to spend a lot of time together. I'm really looking forward to being able to fall asleep in her arms tonight.

The end is coming too soon

2006-03-02T12:05:00.000-06:00

I just realized The L Word season finale is March 26th. I'm so sad. How in the world will I entertain myself for the next 9 months awaiting season 4? I'm just devastated. Now I knew it could not go on for ever. But still... it just seems too soon. I have to make sure I truly enjoy the next 4 episodes.

Well... I'm off to pout

The Roller Coaster

2006-02-28T09:38:00.000-06:00

So, on with the rest of my weekend.

Saturday - started out boring, just paying bills, updating and balancing our bank accounts. Then met a friend for lunch. I met her online, she was going to be moving to the area and was looking to meet some friends here. We've talked since October and finally met this weekend. We had a great time getting to know each other, talking about her new job and some of the things she has discovered so far. Afterwards I went home and my girl was awake. (She works overnight right now). Hung out with her for awhile then I got back online while she took a shower and got ready to go to her friend's house. Anyway, I logged onto a site I frequent and had a message from a girl who was like my sister growing up. Her father and my mother lived together for 5 years. It was so cool that she found me on there. So I sent her a message with my phone number and waited for her to call. Which she did, after she got off work, we were partying at a friend's. But I went outside and talked to her for a long time, just trying to catch up. It was so cool! We have plans to meet up Tuesday.

Sunday - Whoa! More fighting with my GF, big time! I don't know what is wrong with us lately. Or maybe it's just me. Part of the problem is we quit smoking AGAIN Sunday.

Monday - Fought with my sister. Hmmm... I seem to be the common denominator. I'm just fed up with her right now. She still owes money for January's rent much less February and still owes me a lot of money on my credit card for bailing her out of jail last October. She hardly works, hangs out with friends constantly, barely makes it home in the morning to take the kids to school. She agreed to take her daughter and my oldest to school when we moved so they wouldn't have to switch schools. I leave at 6:20 yesterday, no sister. She did make it home in time but I asked her "Could you not just be home before I leave so I don't have to worry about it or start making other plans?" She had to nerve to say "Can I just live my life?" Well excuse me but it seems she is living her life... She works when she wants to, she hangs out with her friends when she wants to, she take no responsibility for her daughter (no signing school work, no helping with homework, no making sure her room is clean, no making sure she bathes or brushes her teeth, or even eats for that matter), she comes and goes as she pleases, and doesn't even pay any bills. My GF and I can not afford to support her and my niece on top of all our bills and taking care of 3 kids and picking up the slack for what disability doesn't pay for with my mom. So... in the end... I evicted her. I know she doesn't really have anywhere else to go but chances are she's get her ass to work to make enough to get her a room in a motel. Or she'll realize how good she does have it, apologize, and swear to make it up to me. Or she'll just refuse to leave. I gave her until the end of the week. So we will see.

So, we watched The L Word last night. Carmen was cracking me up. I could so relate to her, although I didn't go that far. Angus and Kit are so cute. I feel so bad for Bette and Tina, I wonder what is going to happen with them. I thought it was ironic thought that she was telling Tina that she was breaking up their home, I seem to remember her starting that by having an affair in the first place. I don't know, they are doing a great job of making my heart feel for both of them. I'm so ready for Jenny to have a good relationship. I wonder if she would be offering to pay for this surgery if she knew what Max was doing at the restaurant. Alice is doing an amazing job being there for Dana. I wonder though if Laura will come back...

Another first! A Day at the Spa

2006-02-27T12:00:00.000-06:00

I love this blog The Big Question. It's fun to go in each day and see what new question will be up.

Well this weekend was a roller coaster. Up and down, up and down.

Friday - I got work at 1:00 and stopped and pick up some lunch. Then went to Daired's for my appointment at the spa. I have never been but my girlfriend bought me a package for Valentine's Day. I have wanted to go and get a full on massage for so long, but never bought it for myself. So, I was so excited. The package I got was called Chocolate Decadence. So I show up and as soon as I walked into this place I was already starting to relax, a little. There was a wall of water splashing into a pool. Let me just say that I expected to feel anxious, being my first time, not knowing exactly what to expect. I also expected it to be a relaxing place, I just was a little suprised at my ability to be relaxed in this situation. Does that even make sense?

So, to start off, I'm taken to a dressing room, given a robe and sandals, a locker, and a place to change in. I'm so nervous, trying to decide... leave the panies on or take them off. In the end I decided to be grown up about it and that I could handle being naked. Also, I didn't want to end up wishing I had removed them especially during some of the treatments. I mean they are professionals, this is what they do. Anyway, once I was robed I waited in this little lobby. It was so dim in there, but I was nervous. Next thing I know my name is being called.

Off to the massage I go. I was to recieve a Chocolate Rasberry Pangea Massage. The room was small, but I noticed all the things done to make it as relaxing as possible. Simple but beautiful decor. The ceiling was all bamboo. The music was great, again dim lights. So, she told me to lie face down under the sheet and left the room. So I removed my robe, hung it on the back of the door, slid out of my sandals and layed my naked self down on the table and made sure all pertinent areas were covered. Ok... little nervous now. She came back in and told me that she was going to get started and asked if there were any areas I would like her to concentrate on. I told her my neck/shoulder area and my lower back often hurt. Let me say that it did not take me long AT ALL to get relaxed. She did an amazing job working all the kinks out. She massaged my back, shoulders, and neck for a long time. Then the back of my arms, then moved on to the back of my legs and my feet. After a little while she told me to roll over. She sat the table up a little bit to make it more comfortable, placed a hot towel roll under my neck and a washcloth over my eyes. Then she massaged my arms, down to my hands. My legs and feet. Then my shoulders, my neck, my face, and my head. It was wonderful. After she was done she stepped out of the room. I put my robe and slippers back on and she was waiting for me outside with a glass of ice water. I was escorted to the spa lounge to wait for the next round.

Next was the scrub, a Chocolate Cake Scrub. I walked into a room called a Vicci Shower (I think that was how it was spelled). I was left to lie on a table with a disposable undies (for more coverage), and 2 hand towels, each one folder to cover a minimal area. One to cover my chest and the other to cover my groin. By now though I was way past being nervous. I was totally enjoying the experience and everyone there was doing everything possible to make me comfortable and relaxed, without it feeling weird. So anyway, on to the scrub. It was so cool. There was this metal arm that extended over the table with about 6 shower heads on it. So once the water was warm to my tastes, the arm was slowly moved across my body until I was drenched. Then she applied the scrub, which smelled absolutely amazing! I was scrubbed down, rinsed, turn on my stomach. I was drenched and scrubbed again. It was great, I loved it. When that was done, I was led back to the spa lounge with a fresh glass of water to relax before the last leg of my journey.

Last was the wrap, a Chocolate Mint Wrap. I was "painted" with a chocolate mint mud. I say painted because they used a paint brush to apply the mud, weird, but it did a great job of getting it evenly spread. Then I was wrapped in plastic, then a sheet, then a heated mat, like I was in a cocoon. I'm not really claustraphobic, but this was pushing it just a little for me. After she wrapped me she massaged my head for about15 minutes, that was great and really helped me relax. It wasn't until the end that I started feeling the effects of being restricted. A little itch here, a little tickle there. Then I started to sweat and that made me uncomfortable. Luckily for me that was the end. When she unwrapped me I went from hot to very cold, quickly. The mud had an element to it, maybe the mint, it kind of reminded me of mint gum, you know the kind that makes your mouth cool when you breathe on it. So the fact that I was sweaty and had this Icy Hot thing going on. Anyway... I was wrapped in a towel and headed down to the sweddish shower. The shower was pretty cool. The cold water was not. She forgot to turn the hot water on and it was a weird little system that I could not figure out on my own. So I had to stick my head out of the room and wait for someone to come by and help me. Once I got the temperature right, it was great. The three walls of the shower each had four shower heads to hit down the body and then one huge shower head about 12 inches in diameter overhead. It was great. Then headed back to the room for lotion to be applied. Another glass of water and the spa lounge until I was ready to get dressed.

Three hours later I emerged feeling 100% relaxed. It was absolutely amazing. I have never felt that decadent or pampered and loved every single minute of it. There are some things that just make me feel definitely like a grown up and this was one of them. Big thanks to my girlfriend, for the wonderful and thoughtful gift.

It's such a shame that I ended up going home and fighting with her.

My favorite quote

2006-02-23T11:23:00.000-06:00

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.

(I don't know who the author is, sorry)

A first time for everything

2006-02-23T09:27:00.000-06:00

:) Ok, so one thing I never thought about, I recieved my first letter from an inmate. My sister's fiance, P, is in jail and has recieved pictures from my sister. A couple are from a night when my sister and I went out. So, this guy saw a picture of me and has heard somethings about me from P and decided to write me. Of course P told him I'm in a relationship and live with my girlfriend, but he doesn't seem to care, or perhaps he thinks it doesn't matter. Anyway, I thought it was kind of funny. My girlfriend on the other hand, just wants to know that I'm not going to start corresponding with him. I won't, because I don't want to disrespect her or make her feel uncomfortable. She is far more important to me.

I'm ready for the weekend! Bring it on!

Child lost in life, Mom lost in mind

2006-02-22T14:16:00.000-06:00

It's hump day!!! I didn't sleep well last night. Had a hard time falling asleep and then a hard time staying asleep. All of which is totally out of the norm for me. I usually fall asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow and I'm a very deep sleeper. So I'm not sure what's up.

My ex and I share custody of our children. They stay a week at a time in each of our homes, allowing them and us to spend equal time. This week they are at their dads. My oldest called last night because she wasn't feeling well. My poor baby, she just wanted her mom. I think it's easy for me to sometimes forget how hard her life is right now. I saw this online and it made things kind of hit home for me. (The ones in italics are the ones my daughter had experienced)

How many of the events below has your pre-teen experienced in the last 12 months:

Divorce or separation of parents
New step family members introduced into the home (well kind of)
Poor performance at school
Loss of a pet
Change in daycare/babysitter/caretaker
Moved to a different town
Entered into a new school system
New baby in the home
Loss of a family member or friend
Rejection from a team or club

So, my mom is losing her damn memory again. Side note: Our living arangements are a little unique. We have a household of 8. Me, my girlfriend, my 12 year old daughter, my 5 year old son, my 3 year old daughter, my sister, her 9 year old daughter, and my mother. So anyway, I come home and say hello to my mother. She is on the computer, playing a game, and asks if I need to use the computer. I tell her no and head to my bedroom. About ten minutes later I'm sitting on my bed watching TV and my mom comes in, sees me, and says "Oh, I didn't know you were home honey". I look at her and what to say "Are you crazy woman?". But of course that's a sensitive subject.

My very first blog, ever

2006-02-21T15:17:00.000-06:00

Ok, so here goes.

Today is just like every other day I guess. Every day is different, yet somehow the same.

I found out this past weekend that my 12 year old daughter had tried smoking. I was really shocked. Not because I have any delusions that she is perfect and will never get into any trouble (she causes enough of it). It's just that... she HATES it. Or so I thought. She complains about not being able to breathe any time she is around it, yet the curiousity sucked her in anyway. I honestly didn't know what to do; punish her, ground her, forbid her from being out of sight, pat her down before every venture outside of the house, remove all aids for covering up smokey breathe, do a breathe check at random intervals, give her a pack and tell her to smoke it all one after another. Hell I don't know, it's not like I have a role model in my own mother. When she found out I was smoking she told me I might as well not hide it from her, but join her instead. Not exactly what I'm looking for, for my own daughter. I'm sure as hell not giving her my permission. So in the end I just ended up having a long discussion with her and limiting the amount of time she spends with her friends. Any other suggestions?

The L Word Discussion - (could contain spoilers)

In other news. My best friend, Friend Since High School, came over to watch The L Word. Since she has to be at work so early I DVR it on Sundays and she comes over on Mondays to watch it with us. It was a great episode. We all cried in almost every scene with Dana in it. I felt so bad for Carmen. I have so been in that position, saying something before I realize the impact it will have. Alice just cracks me the fuck up! I love her. When will Jenny ever have a healthy relationship? I don't pretend to know what Moira/Max is going thru right now, I just want Jenny to get a shot at a good relationship. Anyway, I can't wait until next week. I don't know what I'll do when this season ends. :( Cry maybe...

If you could escape to any place in the world, where would it be? If you select other please specify in the comments just exactly where other is.
	Alaska
	Amsterdam
	Aspen
	Australia
	Bahamas
	Cozumel
	Dublin
	Dublin
	Greek Islands
	Hawaii
	Hong Kong
	Jamaica
	Las Vegas
	London
	Madrid
	Moscow
	New York
	Paris
	Rome
	Other

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